Okay, there are exactly four foods I do not like.
- Mayonnaise – I can handle a little, but would never choose to put on a sandwich
- Tuna fish in cans – For some reason it makes my stomach choose to vomit even though I like the taste
- Cream cheese – I must be the only person on the planet where cream cheese is too strong for their system. Again, another vomit inducer, even though I enjoy the idea of it.
- Sour Cream – This one is mostly mental. Yes, I hate the taste, but for some reason the idea of sour cream skeeves me out. But I’m no baby. If it tasted good, I’d get over it. It doesn’t.
On the way home from the airport yesterday I tweeted out that I was about to make a poor dining decision. My flight was delayed an hour and I wasn’t getting home until midnight. I had eaten at this insane tomato festival earlier in the day but nothing for the past eight hours. Since I was still technically on vacation I decided to get something awful on the way home.
I had two fast food choices. McDonald’s and Taco Bell. I fast forwarded the scenario where I had eaten one of McD’s super-sized angus burger meals and how awful I would feel on my ten mile bike ride to work that next morning. McDonald’s got axed.
Taco Bell is deceiving to me. They have 89 items on the menu and each is a variation on a burrito or taco. And, let me state for the record that the Dorito taco is disappointing. Sure you get a light dusting of nacho cheese, but you sacrifice 80% of the taco shell crispiness. It becomes a mushy mess and, let’s face it, you’re better than that.
I always stare at the menu, which, if they didn’t have enough options, now also has the entire KFC line of chicken, too. I decided on what I wanted and yelled it to the guy on work-release in the restaurant. After each item I specifically said, “No sour cream.†He then repeated back, “no sour cream.â€
I drove to the window, handed over my card and repeated, “Hey – no sour cream, right?†I always smile when I say this and use an apologetic tone, like hey-man-I-know-you-already-told-me-no-sour-cream-but-I’ve-been-burned-before-so-please-forgive-me-for-treating-you-like-an-idiot-but-since-I’m-playing-the-odds-here-you-probably-are-an-idiot.
I’m a huge please and thank you guy. I understand that’s a shit job. The guy was really cool and even gave me an extra taco for some reason. Then he doubled up the meat on one of my my items, no extra charge.
I should have realized this means that they screwed up my order, but I was caught up in the lottery of free food. I peeled out of there like a getaway driver on a bank heist. Actually, truth be told, I slowly inched away with responsible speed and checked my mirrors first.
After unwrapping at home three of the items I ordered were caked in sour cream. One of the items had to be tossed – there was no way to salvage it. I’m not proud of this, but… the rest of the foodstuffs were carefully opened up and operated on removing all major traces of sour cream.
If I had better self-esteem I would have just thrown the whole batch away.
I believe only 65% at best of the population likes sour cream. I think that it should be an add-on whether we’re ordering a baked potato at the steakhouse, the supreme nachos at the bar, or a chalupa at TB. The person taking the order should simply say, “You like sour cream, mofo?â€
Without hyperbole I have been burned at the Bell at least a dozen times in the past three years. For a while I told them I had a serious allergy to sour cream, but I was lying and felt bad about that.
Next time I’m going with McDonald’s which literally has batted 1000. I don’t think they’ve ever screwed up an order. Sure I feel like death after eating it, but it’s a less stressful death.
photo credit: docjohnboy via photo pin cc
D.J. Paris says:
@VeronicaSheather I filmed my vomit yes. Will be releasing as a video (only $1.99) via this site. Stay tuned!
D.J. Paris says:
We’re bros.
D.J. Paris says:
@CiaraBallintyne Okay – you’re just flat out weird. Authors always are.
D.J. Paris says:
@ErinORiordan I love all tuna – yellowfin, fatty – cooked or raw, whatever. Just not that can crap. It’s awful.
D.J. Paris says:
@JenOsaurus Mayo and sour cream. You are not right. I can’t support this.
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway I don’t trust a 5lb sandwich that is only $5. That should be $30 at least. Stay away from the cheap sandwiches. Botulism is one of the main ingredients.
Katjaneway says:
@tfpHumorBlog It was $5 Friday. I think they’re normally $8.99 or something.
D.J. Paris says:
@ModMomBeyondIndieDom I wish I liked that stuff. I mean, mayonnaise I can tolerate. But I wouldn’t choose it. Sour cream is okay if a small dollup is garnished atop a cup of soup. Cream cheese, though, it literally makes me ill. Just a weird body thing. I wish I liked it. People go crazy for that crap.
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway ModMomBeyondIndieDom Or butter. Butter is just fine on its own with the bagel. No need to go beyond that.
D.J. Paris says:
@JuliPeterson We’re similar you and I. Not similar enough to marry. I do not choose you as my life partner! But you’re close. Keep reading!
D.J. Paris says:
@Kelly Fox I’m convinced gluten isn’t a think for most folks. I want to see the hives. Show me! Until then, I’m sending over loaves of Wonder bread.
D.J. Paris says:
@Kelly Fox ErinORiordan I have no problem with processed meats and preservatives and chemicals in crops and stuff. When I out live you all I’ll connect with your spiritually and do a “I told you so dead ladies!” It will be awesome.
D.J. Paris says:
@bluenotebacker Lettuce is a weird one – she must not like the texture? I would hurry and get her hooked on spinach. That’s a great addiction. I eat it every day. Sure, it sucks, but it’s healthy.
D.J. Paris says:
@curran_lucy I love that you started out by saying I’m offensive. That makes me laugh, but only because I don’t feel like I write offensive stuff. Well, I don’t like people from the orient. They’re so stupid! Also, short people with big hats. They’re so stupid! Oh, and most children. They’re so stupid!
Kelp is the food equivalent of child abuse, by the way.
Thanks for reading. Will check out your blog!
D.J. Paris says:
@Kelly Damian Choosing between two delicious, awesome evils!
D.J. Paris says:
@Prof. Torg I hope she’s being hauled away to Bellevue as we speak. It’s for her own good.
D.J. Paris says:
@pdk117 Remind me not to get into your car until it is thoroughly detailed.
Lynne Logan says:
I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! Sour cream is a vile and nasty food – hard to believe it’s actually made from the same blessed animal who produces the milk in ICE CREAM. And the only way I ever eat sour cream is when my husband or I make stroganoff cuz it just doesn’t taste right without it. However, we always use the light sour cream – very sparingly, though the old man is one of those freaks who likes the taste of that repulsive shit on baked potatoes and Mexican food as well. I’ve had the Taco Bell disasters also, and the last time I went through their drive-thru, they also slathered my burrito with the dreaded S CREAM though I also reiterated NO SOUR CREAM twice, and said preference was noted on the LED screen listing the contents of my order! I agree. They have a shitty job. I was one of them in 1982, thereabouts. However, PLEASE read the screen, won’t you? And I, like a moron, didn’t check my burrito because our T. Bell is one of the few that usually gets your order right, believe it or not. Unfortunately I took one bite of that burrito, and I scrambled for a napkin to deposit said mushy, sour creamed mess into the napkin before I ended up regurgitating it all over a brand new pair of jeans. Lesson learned – check EVERYTHING before you leave the parking lot!
THANK YOU for sharing your hatred of sour cream. Now, I don’t feel so alone in the world…:)
Best,
The Bitch
a.k.a. Lynne Logan
Lynne Logan says:
P.S. I also HATE MAYO, and it makes me ill. Could be psychological since I think it tastes like sucking down battery acid with a side of puke, but either way, it makes me queasy. So, I also say I’m allergic to it when dining out – though I’ve never been officially tested. Therefore, I think we can forgive ourselves of that little white lie, n’est-ce pas? Better than taking up the waiter’s time explaining that you wish mayo had never been invented because it’s disgusting, right? After all, we know he doesn’t give a shit…:)
delores emeagi says:
YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!! I can’t stand it and I’ve never met someone in real life who feels the same way!