Okay, there are exactly four foods I do not like.

• Mayonnaise - I can handle a little, but would never choose to put on a sandwich
• Tuna fish in cans - For some reason it makes my stomach choose to vomit even though I like the taste
• Cream cheese – I must be the only person on the planet where cream cheese is too strong for their system.  Again, another vomit inducer, even though I enjoy the idea of it.
• Sour Cream – This one is mostly mental.  Yes, I hate the taste, but for some reason the idea of sour cream skeeves me out.  But I’m no baby.  If it tasted good, I’d get over it.  It doesn’t.

On the way home from the airport yesterday I tweeted out that I was about to make a poor dining decision.  My flight was delayed an hour and I wasn’t getting home until midnight.  I had eaten at this insane tomato festival earlier in the day but nothing for the past eight hours.  Since I was still technically on vacation I decided to get something awful on the way home.

I had two fast food choices.  McDonald’s and Taco Bell.  I fast forwarded the scenario where I had eaten one of McD’s super-sized angus burger meals and how awful I would feel on my ten mile bike ride to work that next morning.  McDonald’s got axed.

Taco Bell is deceiving to me.  They have 89 items on the menu and each is a variation on a burrito or taco.  And, let me state for the record that the Dorito taco is disappointing.  Sure you get a light dusting of nacho cheese, but you sacrifice 80% of the taco shell crispiness.  It becomes a mushy mess and, let’s face it, you’re better than that.

I always stare at the menu, which, if they didn’t have enough options, now also has the entire KFC line of chicken, too.  I decided on what I wanted and yelled it to the guy on work-release in the restaurant.  After each item I specifically said, “No sour cream.”  He then repeated back, “no sour cream.”

I drove to the window, handed over my card and repeated, “Hey – no sour cream, right?”  I always smile when I say this and use an apologetic tone, like hey-man-I-know-you-already-told-me-no-sour-cream-but-I’ve-been-burned-before-so-please-forgive-me-for-treating-you-like-an-idiot-but-since-I’m-playing-the-odds-here-you-probably-are-an-idiot.

I’m a huge please and thank you guy.  I understand that’s a shit job.  The guy was really cool and even gave me an extra taco for some reason.  Then he doubled up the meat on one of my my items, no extra charge.

I should have realized this means that they screwed up my order, but I was caught up in the lottery of free food.  I peeled out of there like a getaway driver on a bank heist.  Actually, truth be told, I slowly inched away with responsible speed and checked my mirrors first.

After unwrapping at home three of the items I ordered were caked in sour cream.  One of the items had to be tossed – there was no way to salvage it.  I’m not proud of this, but…  the rest of the foodstuffs were carefully opened up and operated on removing all major traces of sour cream.

If I had better self-esteem I would have just thrown the whole batch away.

I believe only 65% at best of the population likes sour cream.  I think that it should be an add-on whether we’re ordering a baked potato at the steakhouse, the supreme nachos at the bar, or a chalupa at TB.  The person taking the order should simply say, “You like sour cream, mofo?”

Without hyperbole I have been burned at the Bell at least a dozen times in the past three years.  For a while I told them I had a serious allergy to sour cream, but I was lying and felt bad about that.

Next time I’m going with McDonald’s which literally has batted 1000.  I don’t think they’ve ever screwed up an order.  Sure I feel like death after eating it, but it’s a less stressful death.

My nightmare

photo credit: docjohnboy via photo pin cc

Tagged as: foodstuffs