I Whipped It Out On a Date! (The Club)

by D.J. Paris on January 29, 2013

I did something uncool on a date recently.

When I was parking my car outside of her townhouse, I applied The Club to my steering wheel.

Now, I am acutely aware that The Club is not fashion friendly. It’s not as bad as producing a two-for-one coupon at Dennys on a first date, but it’s similar.

First, it’s a subtle sort of insult. I didn’t mean it this way, of course. I use The Club everywhere. The only places I don’t deem it necessary are at grocery stores and other retail-like places.  I’m not a Club maniac, for chrissakes.

I do, however, live in an area that is not exactly safe. We have gangs who roam about. Plus, I’ve had a few cars broken into over the years. The Club is a mainstay even in my gated parking place.

Side story – When I first got my condo I wanted a roommate to help with the mortgage. The woman I selected was a chemist PhD from Stanford. On her first day here some gentleman threw a brick through her rear windshield. What’s even more disturbing is that he didn’t steal anything. Just interested in bashing windshield, I guess. Someone who will smash a window and not even have the initiative to go and steal the contents inside the car is not the kind of individual I want loitering in the neighborhood. She was beside herself and my only response was to remind her that she had signed a twelve month commitment to pay rent. She took off two months later. We did have a party once and she brought all of her nerd friends. That was awesome. Otherwise she sort of sucked.

I didn’t realize it might appear to my date that I thought she lived in a shit part off the city. In fact, she lives in a perfectly nice area of Chicago and her townhouse is beautiful.

I’d like to point out that she has three pets that all shed and yet there isn’t a hair anywhere on the floor or furniture. These are what we in the dating business call a “good quality.” Pet ownership and cleanliness goes a long way in my book. Never understood what book that idiom was referencing. Probably the Bible or some crap.

After I whipped out and applied the device to the steering wheel, she deadpanned, “Please write about how much I hate The Club.”

I read recently that it only takes about an extra minute to get through The Club if a burglar is motivated. She echoed this saying it does nothing to detract thieves.  I looked at her for a moment, sobered by this conversation. Then she laughed, not at me, but at the idea of a guy applying metal to the steering wheel as a safety precaution. Seriously, none of us (except me) have seen a Club since that one scene from Swingers. And it was ridiculous then.

I started to laugh, too.

These are the moments I long for when I’m most lonely. To share a laugh with someone that is genuinely funny. When it’s at my expense, even the better. The comments on this blog are a testament to my insane thoughts and actions. You guys call me out on my stupidity. It’s grounding.

To me one of the most attractive qualities in a woman is for her to bust balls in a caring way. It’s a delicate and difficult stretch. Too far one way and you’re a bitch. But done correctly it’s a connecting experience. Laughing at someone in this way exposes the silliness and true humor that exists naturally in life. But these jokes are hidden if you’re alone. I’m reminded how important genuine friendships are. Normally I’m driving alone. In that moment with her I had a copilot laughing at something that I had forgotten was funny.

Now, wait until she finds out I dance in the bathroom with the door closed and the headphones on pretending I’m not one, nor two, but all three of the Beastie Boys. At the same time.

beastie boys

I’m really mostly an AD-Rock.

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9 comments… read them below or add one

Katjaneway January 29, 2013 at 8:25 pm

I haven’t seen anybody use a Club in a long time. If it had been me, I probably wouldn’t have cared, though. I’m the kind of person who thinks up random ways to arm my car w/o spending a shitload of money on alarms that don’t even deter anyone. I had my car broken into 3 times in 2 years and all they wanted was the face plate to my stereo. (I learned to keep my doors unlocked otherwise they would smash my window). I thought… what if I could attach a motion sensor to a smoke alarm and have it go off whenever the door was opened… lol My car wasn’t expensive enough to get an alarm system, but I was tired of them rifling through my car looking for a face plate that wasn’t there!

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Cynthia January 29, 2013 at 8:38 pm

Now, wait until she finds out I dance in the bathroom with the door closed and the headphones on pretending I’m not one, nor two, but all three of the Beastie Boys. At the same time.

Then it will be true love at last? isn’t dating fun(ny)

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Brenda January 29, 2013 at 8:51 pm

If she had a good time on the date, she would know your personality, and probably wouldn’t mind in the least when you whipped it out. Good way to tell if she was into you.
Too bad we didn’t meet at a different time-
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Maureen March 10, 2014 at 10:52 pm

OMG . I saw your tweet and laughed wasn’t shocked and I laughed at what I thought was going to be a “true confessions” post and “is this a new norm in meeting men?”
I was excited to hear if my unusual recent four experiences of the same thing were acceptable which I do not think so but what can you do?

Oh pretty.?

You see I had not just one or two experiences I THOUGHT you were
referring to but 4 and 2 In the past year.

I date I thought respectable, well recommended men and one was like my cousin since I have always called his dad my uncle and we grew up always seeing each other. So ok to date but never thought my dad’s best friend ( he still has 5 couples, minus two wives (RIP mum and Aunt Fran) that he met in high school. So these people were more family than real cousins.

This guy – one of several boys and one sister I adored really wasn’t a friend our whole lives but we saw each other on FB and after 2 years of emailed he asked me out. First date he whips IT out!

I thought it was nice but awkward. We dated 4-5 months and I truly was crushed when he was not honest.

Then my good friend – a musician also – showed
Me his and it happened in Buda Pest when by chance my friend and I met Two Army pilots whose plane’s windshield cracked over Vienna en route to fly the head of Justice Dept security into Iraq.

We first met 2 nights before Christmas at Buda Pest four Seasons. Hungarian if you didn’t know is harder than Chinese. So Marcie and I liked to have our early evening cocktails or Absinthe in BP where it wasn’t so hard to communicate.

That night ended with us gals fairly over served – we were on holiday – so the first night meeting the pilots was nice. One was from Chicago like me.

Next night after our lovely Christmas Eve Traditional Hungarian dinner complete with dancers we walked across the Chain Bridge which appears to flow into the building where the Four Seasons was-and around the corner from our quaint hotel.

My friend convinced me to return to the hotel and we saw one of the army pilots and the Dir of Security in Iraq.

Odd that US Army put the guys up at such a pricy hotel but it was quickly evident the two men and us ladies were a foursome at a corner table.

This was the funniest evening in Hungary but the pilot not from Chicago turned our to be so funny then the guys wanted to share their unexpected Gifts from a dinner at the US ambassadors home – word quickly spread 3 American service and Justice dept. Men were unexpecidily Stuck in BudaPest for Christmas Eve.

What does my pilot do as I step out of the ladies room in his room but “whip it out”.

I understand AN’s predicament as he’d just arrived I month prior and well 11 months is a loooong time. But still these three decent men just wanted to show me their stuff. Well one only had that intention.

So when I read your title I had a fond memory of my Christmas adventure which had a lovely, serendipitous start in Hungary.
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???? ????????

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Caro Ness January 29, 2013 at 8:53 pm

It is these kind of moments that make life worth living! Sounds like she’s a keeper to me, as a friend or someone more!

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Kate Hall January 30, 2013 at 1:00 am

They still make those things? I love the irony between your nerdy chemist roommate and the fact that you still use The Club. Hilarious!

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Andrea January 30, 2013 at 4:16 pm

I’m pretty much a Mike D, myself.

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Andrea Badgley January 30, 2013 at 4:22 pm

I had forgotten about The Club until I read this. Also, I like your date – will she see you again, or was the club a deal breaker?

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Harvey Stelman January 31, 2013 at 2:12 pm

DJ, So what’s the problem? H

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