I Nearly Did The Wrong Thing With a Vacuum

new vacuum
How long will this sit here unopened? The over/under is nine days.

Sometimes there isn’t anything that happened in the day to write about.

Because this happens roughly one night out of seven I try to have an idea banked for when I get stuck. Well, I’m stuck tonight, so here’s the one I had saved. It came to be just before Thanksgiving.

When I first got this condo I bought a nice vacuum. I think it was around $200 and it worked pretty well. Smash cut to eight years later and it just doesn’t suck up stuff like it used to. It’s bagless but I’ve cleaned every inch of it and nothing seems increase it’s cleaning ability. Sadly I realized it was time to move on. I was sad because I didn’t want to spend another $200 on something that just sits in my closet and is never used.

This is how pathetic I am. Realizing I may never be a good housekeeper, I am hiring a housecleaner. I’ve done this sporadically in the past but always with the, “One day I shall do this for myself!” I am thirty-six. That day is not coming. So, before I start building in a cleaning lady to the budget I need to get her (it’s always a her) a new vacuum.

Sears was having this big sale and I happen to live a mile from one. I can’t imagine there are too many Sears in the city of Chicago, but I’m not going to  overthink  it. I ordered a Hoover online and drove to the back of the loading dock where I interrupted a Sears pizza party. That inspired me to get my own pizza so I did just that.

By the time I got home I had the dog to carry up as well as the pizza and my briefcase. The vacuum stayed in my car until the day before my Thanksgiving trip home. It is now sitting in my little dining nook unopened.

Got a little off track there – this is about the old vacuum.

To get rid of the existing vacuum I wanted to test an idea I’ve had for years. Craigslist has a free section and I thought I would put my vacuum on there. I actually did this once, years back. I put a bunch of crap on Craigslist free section (such as 74 VHS movies – not tellin’ which titles) and couldn’t believe how many emails and calls I received about items. I finally got annoyed and changed each ad to read, “First come – first serve. No questions allowed!” This pissed plenty of Craigslist freeloaders off. They flagged and deleted my posts. The free CL community is no-nonsense.

I was ready to try again.

The idea was to put it on Craigslist with this ad.

$200 Bissell vacuum cleaner. Eight years old. Not quite as much suction as when I got it, but in great condition. No blemishes. Has a cool head light if you want to do stuff in the dark. This lonely vacuum will be sitting on the street corner of Broadway and Lawrence next to The Onion newspaper dispenser. First come, first serve. GODSPEED.

Then I would hide around the corner with my camera to document the goodness. How quickly would someone show? Who would show? How many people? Who would stop and be disappointed they weren’t there sooner? Would my screen name Johnny Feltersnatch  be yelled with a choice expletive as someone shook their fist to the heavens?

Oh, I forgot that I would be taping a paper to the ground under the vacuum that said: “Vacuum was picked up by someone with more initiative than you.”

And while the comedy part of me loved everything about this I didn’t end up doing it. I was all set to last Saturday but something felt wrong. I didn’t want to screw a bunch of people who would drive over and be disappointed.

I was telling my mom this idea and she just shrugged and said, “Give it to Goodwill.” This had never occurred to me.

I need you to realize something – I donate bags of shit every year to Goodwill. I live just down the street from one. It’s a nice tax deduction because they give you the blank receipts and you can say you gave away fourteen suits but you and I both know you work at Arby’s.

My mind is so wrapped up in this blog that I almost failed to do something that any decent human being would have done. I still love the idea of super-gluing a silver dollar in the middle of a busy sidewalk so maybe I’ll do that instead.

new vacuum
How long will this sit here unopened? The over/under is nine days.

9 thoughts on “I Nearly Did The Wrong Thing With a Vacuum”

  1. JanineHuldie1 says:

    You know what is sad is the first thought I had was we had a Hoover, when we first got married and it never worked right.  It would blow all the damn dirt back at me, but wouldn’t actually suck it for the life of that machine.  Four vacuums later (after mind you I actually killed one from having our oldest daughter, as baby, who was obsessed with the vacuum, fall asleep to the sound of it and fell asleep ourselves from sheer exhaustion, only to find the vacuum died from being on for hour on end) finally got a Dyson and it is true it is the best damn vacuum you could ever own.  Sorry my life is this pitiful, lol!!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      JanineHuldie1  I should go Dyson next time. That British dude just sounds like he knows what he’s doing.

      1. JanineHuldie1 says:

        tfpHumorBlog  JanineHuldie1  I know doesn’t he, lol!!  Seriously though, this vacuum rocks.  Sad though that a vacuum gets me this excited, lol 🙂

  2. KateHall says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t think of Goodwill.   That’s my favorite shopping place – I’m not lying.   And I hope that’s not your intersection you gave to your 30K+ readers. (Love, Mom)   Another option for getting rid of stuff if you don’t want to leave your house is Freecycle.   It’s a yahoo group thingy and people trade their junk.   It’s based on location like Craig’s list, but local even to the neighborhood.   I got some flourescent lights once, but I should have asked how big tey were because they were five feet too long. They sat in the back of my garage for a year.   Actually, they still might be there.   Then I gave away some free vouchers to some shows and also a diabetic kit I got free at Walgreens.   I just left the stuff in my mailbox and they picked it up. Pretty cool and easy. But Goodwill is obviously more charitable.

  3. The Hipster Owl's Bookshelf says:

    Funny you should dedicate an entire post to a vacuum cleaner… at least, I thought it was funny because I just moved into Seattle…still getting furniture and such for the new townhouse I rent….and I suddenly realized I still need to buy a vacuum cleaner…but it makes me so mad to pay so much $$$ for something I only use twice a month. Ha! XD

  4. Craziness Abounds says:

    This made me laugh! I would have done it but then again I might be a little shit head. Let me think about it. Yep I am. So, did you donate it to goodwill? That is probably the nice thing to do. (and a tax break..)
    Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

  5. prennifive says:

    You crack me up! I wish you had gone through with your ad because it’s really funny. That damn guilty conscious will getcha every time. Hate that! -Annie

  6. JenOsaurus says:

    I’m really glad this post is not what I thought it was about when I read the title. I cleaned out my vacuum hoses once and found a shard of glass as big as my fist. Like Bill Clinton, I have no  recollection  of it’s entry. Vacuums work way better without fist sized glass stuck in them, btw.

  7. heidi says:

    It’s amazing how knowing something is free changes people. On different occasions, I have put an old microwave (yes it had a dial) an old stair stepper and a coffee table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on them. The stair stepper was hauled off immediately by an optimistic woman and her husband. The microwave was taken by a college student. (Good luck finding room in your dorm room for an oven as big as a doghouse). The coffee table took a little longer. It was garbage day, and the garbage truck drove up and the driver got out inspected it and pulled out his cell phone and looked around as if he had just found a bag filled with money. Minutes later, a truck pulled up. another man got out, they scanned the area making sure no one else would stake a claim and lifted it into the back and quickly drove off. I’m assuming before I would change my mind and accuse them of theft.
    Anyway, Goodwill is normally where I take my stuff as well, athough I never see my old clothes on anyone else. Maybe I wait a decade too long to donate. Great Post and good luck with your new appliance. 🙂

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