One thing I’ve realized that is important for my well-being is the idea of making my world larger.
Not the one I’m constructing in my cellar out of paper mache. That world is precisely the right size, and it’s not like I’m crazy or anything, but if there were little people inhabiting it they would probably bow to me as their perfect God.
I’m digressing. Back to point.
Making my world bigger is about one thing. More intimate relationships with real live people. Face to face. Since I live alone I really have to make an effort to set up these events.
At work I’m around people all day. In fact a majority of my job is to meet new people face to face and have long conversations with them. These are not intimate, but they’re definitely something.
Then I come home, do my chores, eat dinner, reply to all my Twitter stuff and then write. My girlfriend lives in Atlanta, so she gets a call. I watch a bit of television and then off to bed.
I’m in a few groups – for example, I meet with men every other Monday where we talk about our lives in ways that are vulernable and honest. We deal with emotions. That’s real connection. I have a co-ed group that does the same thing each Wednesday. These are people that love me and provide me a great deal of assistance.
Then, there’s my friends and family who are great. But I can a month without seeing any of my closest friends. Since I live a good chunk of my life online it’s easy to stay here in the condo with the cat and dog and just hang out. Which is fine, in moderation. But it doesn’t take the place of face to face interaction.
Despite how outgoing and non-shy I am I have a tendency to want to stay home. I am invited to a boat party tomorrow night. I think this may be the first boat in Chicago I’ve been on, save a few cruises. It’s a fraternity brother of mine and he was nice enough to invite me. I really dig him. Great guy. But there’s a part of me that would rather stay home, watch movies, screw around online, and just be with myself.
I think it’s about control. I don’t know why going to a party scares me. I’m not afraid of being judged, and I can and will go talk to anyone. But I’m afraid. I have no idea of what. Something though is pulling me back toward not going and just being safe at home. It’s strange, because I will go. And it will be great. I know this.
But I also know as I leave the house tomorrow to get down to the dock I will pause at the door and have to fight through, “Eh, just stay home and relax. Don’t go!”
What that is, I really don’t know. I’m going to sit in the fear for a bit and see what comes up. Now would not be the right time to sneak up behind me and goose me. Well, actually, you can goose me whenever. If you’re attractive.