I turned thirty-seven yesterday.
Here’s a few thoughts I had on the bike ride home from work, reflecting on my life…
I found a great expression to get you out of most any trouble. This is especially useful at work. Next time you screw something up and you’re called to the carpet, simply respond with, “It was my understanding that…” You can then follow those words with any string of nonsense you choose. Nobody will call you out on your understanding. I notice politicians do this every week on Meet the Press. “Boss, it was my understanding that banging the interns was encouraged. Did I have that wrong?” See? You can’t punish a guy when he talks with that verbal jujitsu. Now, thank me, and let’s move on.
Oh, speaking of… somebody is downloading pornography at work. We know this to be true because the boss got a cease and desist email from whomever holds the copyright to Milfs A’Poppin’ 17. Seems that film was illegally downloading from our office IP. Now, there’s only a few of us in the office and sadly, all eyes could easily could fall on me. Not that I’m a pervert (I’m not), but I am the tech guy at the firm. If anyone would know how to do this, it would be me. Except I know that I didn’t do it. But the problem is, even if you did do it, there’s no way you can fess up. That shit’s a fire-able offense. Anyway, the boss sort of laughed it off. I have a few suspicions on who was downloading the skin flick, but probably it was a guy who just quit a few days ago. Maybe it was his version of taking all the staplers on the way out.
Turning thirty-seven feels like something important. I’m no longer in my mid-thirties. It’s time to get serious and have purpose. Thankfully I’ve already got a lot of this stuff in place. I’ve noticed over the last decade that I’ve, very slowly, reduced the amount of nonsense and drama that used to permeate my life.
This was the first year where I didn’t feel depressed on my birthday in all of my thirties. Now there are plenty of things to get depressed about, and there’s always ways in which I don’t measure up with where I think I should be at this age. But I don’t feel that way now. I guess I’m maturing. Also, I’ve learned how to get honest. Here’s an example.
Recently I had been struggling with a friendship. There was a woman I dated where it didn’t work out. We decided to make it work as friends because we love each other very much. The problem is that as much as I tried, I couldn’t cut out the romantic feelings. I’d hang out with her as friends but want so badly to hold and kiss her. I’d lie to myself and say that this isn’t really what I wanted, that I really only wanted a friendship and that I could stop these feelings. This went on for months and each week I’d talk about it in therapy. Finally, my therapist last said, “Do you want this woman to be your girlfriend?” I said, “Of course not! She wouldn’t anyway, we’re not the right fit, etc.” She stopped me, told me to go inside and get honest. And I immediately said, “Yes! Yes, I want her so badly! I’m in love!” It was the truth and I hadn’t ever spoken it to myself. I owned it. I wanted her as my girlfriend – my heart wanted this. As soon as I spoke it, the flame extinguished and within a few days those feelings left. The simple act of me stating my truth allowed me to move through it. I now believe I can be this person’s friend without the romantic interest mucking it up.
Well, that’s all I got for tonight. It’s not much, nor my best, but it is my truth. Oh, also, I’m still wearing the same sweat soaked shirt that I biked twenty miles in today. Except the sweat is all driedand caked onto the cotton. I should have probably changed as I got home from the ride five hours ago.
Happy Birthday to me, mofos!