Okay, my only mandate on this blog is…
Write the truth. Don’t lie, and don’t exaggerate (or try really hard not to).
Why? Because it’s too easy to lie to make a point or a joke. I’ve found that in life the hardest thing to do for me is to expose my vulnerabilities to others. It’s scary, and my mind has many ways of coping. Mostly by denial and/or humor.
What's most awful is that she blamed it on the other kid.
So, if I’m feeling angry or sad or ashamed and you ask me how I’m doing, there’s a small chance I would actually tell you the truth. Now, I don’t think it’s always appropriate to reveal the most raw parts of you to others. When you expose yourself to people, they can hurt you. But I’m talking about my closest friends. I’m afraid to let them see that I’m not perfect. I’m much better at this now, though. I’m in various groups where we get together and talk about the hard stuff.
And since I pride myself on each post on this blog, when its in reference to me, being honest and open, I have a shameful confession.
I purchased 2700 of my Twitter followers.
Why? Because I wanted YOU to think I was a big shot.
You'll laugh at me if you know I don't have a huge Twitter following.
I wanted you to think I had a ton of people following me so that you would be like, “Wow, I need to jump on this rocket ship! This is headed straight to famous!”
The reality is that I obtain about 1-2 new Twitter followers a day just from this blog. But God forbid you see that my super popular and awesome blog only has a few hundred measly followers. So, in reality, I probably have like 700 real followers.
How do you buy followers? It cost me $5. Just Google it. You can buy anything.
I owe you the truth. Many of you pour your heart out via private emails to me, or through the commenting. I value that, and I’m glad the gaffes about my father’s penis resonate with you.
My deepest apologies in trying to impress you with fake followers. The joke’s on me because you don’t care how many Twitter followers I have.
But I do want to re-confirm that everything I write is pretty much 100% true. I really do poop while talking on the phone, I used to wear tight jeans back in 2003, and I once killed a man in the desert.
Okay, that last one wasn’t true. But I wish it were. (I’d be the coolest!)
Please forgive my trespasses, or however that old rhyme goes. Thanks for being a fan.
If you’d like to follow me on Twitter, and I hope you do because I love interacting with readers, please click here.
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20 comments… read them below or add one
Ah i’m relieved (I think that’s the word) to find out why some people, who are not famous, have huge numbers of followers. Didn’t even think of “buying” followers, not that it’s something I will be doing because I’m not putting interesting full of news stuff out there everyday and I’m not linking to a business that needs promoting.
Ah you have solved the puzzle for me
Yeah – since I’m writing about some of the dumb, moronic stuff I do on a daily basis, I figured I’d come clean about this. I also pee in the sink from time to time. Not proud of that either.
Too late – I’ve been researching testicle enlargement for the past three months, and I’m ready to get huge.
@delfinparis That’s DEFINITELY what women find attractive in a man..
When I grow up I hope I meet a tall, dark, handsome man with testicular elephantitis
I think my favorite part of this post was that you so efficiently trivialized the “Our Father” by calling it an old rhyme. Nice work Deej
@Metzy In the original draft I had it as “nursery” rhyme, but thought that was too strong.
This was very honest of you. Now I will be honest. I completely thought I was getting on the rocket ship. Your ploy worked sir. The funny thing is, it’s not how the amount of followers made me feel about you, it’s how the amount made me feel about me. I thought if someone with so many people who loved him, wanted to show me some love, then I must be something. 700 is still widly impressive and it turns out you’re pretty funny. ALSO, honesty is my favorite, so congratulations, you just got one more earnest follower and reader.
@Laci Roth Yes, that what was the awesomeness of the post. I can’t tell you how many people have written me telling me they got excited about my fake following. It reminds me of a time where one of my readers revealed herself to be a Hollywood exec, and I was like, “I’ve made it!”
@delfinparis : perfect.
@delfinparis Considering I started this account for my blog on Friday afternoon, I don’t think it’s too bad. #besties
@NotablyNeurotic Did you read the link I sent? It will make more sense. #bestites
@delfinparis Didn’t notice the link. Everything looks so darn tiny on my ipod touch, I didn’t see it! But wow! Really?
@NotablyNeurotic Yeah – shameful. But now I get them the honest way!
@NotablyNeurotic http://t.co/QYQLeWz6
That’s not a bad idea. I need more followers. My site only has like, 29 or something
@StarTrek1701 Well, you can, but then it will just gnaw at your until you fold and then tell your readers the truth. Or just drink a lot of booze and kill the guilt. Either way.
@tfpHumorBlog I’m so lucky because I have keep an new iPAD 3 for Free. I get it here: @Free_iPad3_
I’m new to Twitter, so I don’t even understand how you buy followers…do the people who are ‘sold’ to you sign up to be bought?
Geez, I’m looking at the blog date and it’s almost a year ago (but, you put the link in your latest post!). Didn’t mean to dredge up the past, just curious how that even works.
Plus, this is my test reply to you…I did NOT have to put in a password!
Cheers,
~Cynthia~
No – it’s just spam accounts that are set up to inflate your numbers. Very simple. Just all smoke and mirrors.
I think you followed me first? I must have tweeted a hash tag you liked or responded to one of your friends tweets.