My girlfriend Jessica flew up from Atlanta this past weekend. She was here two weeks ago, and I was excited that she was back so soon.
Now, many women are fun to be around. Others are cool. Some can make you laugh. I’ve dated many that were smarter than me, which I found satisfying.
Every girlfriend is different and each has their great qualities and their quirks. My friend Karen is fond of saying, “All chicks are nuts, it’s just a question of how nuts?” She should know. She’s batshit crazy.
I spoke about on how our second date, my now ex-wife quietly paid the bill for dinner when I got up to use the restroom. That’s an amazing move.
Jessica, herself, did a great move on Saturday morning.
I got out of the shower and I found her in the kitchen looking in cabinets and drawers.
I hope you don’t mind – I was just taking a look around. You have a lot of stuff in here that you don’t use, I suspect.
She was right. I had at least 30 bottles of cooking oils, jams, dips, and assorted shit that I would never consume. I had at least two of every major spice, and a ton of old glasses and tupperware. We found a crockpot with no lid.
Please don’t think I’m trying to change you or start making decisions about your place. If you don’t want me to help clear some of this out, it’s totally cool. I don’t want to be the pushy girl who starts telling you what’s what.
I laughed because I hadn’t cleaned out the kitchen in at least three years. If she wanted to reorganize the place, I was not about to stand in her way. We found six bottles of barbeque sauce. I never use barbeque sauce.
But just the idea of someone wanting to help me clear out and clean up my place was touching. I mean, she could have just sat on the couch and watched reruns of M.A.S.H (as 32 year old women do). Instead she was thinking of me and how she could help.
Then, after it was all done, hours later, she said:
I’m buying you a new crockpot!
I’ve used a crockpot a total of twice in my life, and both times were to cook boiled peanuts. But her taking such an interest in my kitchen was greatly appreciated.
Wives and girlfriends – think of something your man would like to do, but never has done. Do it for him or with him. He’ll appreciate it.
Unless it’s building a bird feeder to hang on the back porch. We all know women can’t build things.
KarolineRiskowski says:
Good for you: Jessica sounds like a wonderful woman….be grateful.
D.J. Paris says:
@KarolineRiskowski If by grateful you mean I made her cry several times while she was here, then yes. I’m a wonderful boyfriend.
Gwennie says:
http://www.crockpot365.blogspot.com/ ~ now get thee my girl Stephanie’s crockpot books & go to town on “cooking” shit! Trust me. You’ll loooooooove it.
God, I sound like a loser going on and on about a damn kitchen appliance. Don’t EVEN get me started on my Vitamix Blender.
Word.
D.J. Paris says:
@Gwennie Gwennie – if you’re not going to BlogHer, I will personally come over to Wichita and smack you square in the taint.
Gwennie says:
@delfinparis God, I love you. Barely know ya’, and you’re already talkin’ about my taint. Just heard another synonym for taint which I find friggin’ hilarious — Snotcha. Get it?! It’s the simple joys such as this that make my day. Wish I could go to BlogHer! (but guess I’m just not neglected enough. LOL)
circustoybox says:
my dad got one (someone threw it out and he picked it up 2weeks ago…which scares me into thinking its either possessed by a ghost, or it will explode)
He is so proud of it, but nothing he’s cooked in that thing ended up not-burnt (he claims it’s good even when the scrambled eggs started turning BROWN).
I will stick with my microwave.
why in the world would you have six bottles of BBQ sauce that you don’t use?
D.J. Paris says:
@circustoybox Your dad should not be picking through others’ trash. This seems sad.
Dana says:
You don’t have to pick through trash to find stuff that was thrown out. I found a toaster, a toaster oven, and an apartment-sized deep freezer at various times, left *next to* a dumpster. It was as if the previous owners were saying, “Well, these still work, but I don’t have time to find them new homes the normal way…” It was all hard surfaces and they cleaned up fine. The freezer WORKED. Later I combined households with someone who had a bigger freezer and I sold mine for I think $25. Huge win.
I draw the line at upholstered anything though. My adopted hometown has some kind of a bedbug epidemic going on right now. Not to mention I have no idea what happened on top of that upholstery generally. No. Way. In. Hell.
WhitneyLeeCondie says:
I’m gonna go clean The Spouse’s car right now!
Well, maybe not since it’s midnight, but definitely tomorrow. Great post, great advice, and what a great gal.
Cheers
D.J. Paris says:
@WhitneyLeeCondie Well, she didn’t clean my car. Want to run off together?
wilyguy says:
Crock Pot, Barbeque Sauce, bag of frozen meatballs = fun!
D.J. Paris says:
@wilyguy This doesn’t excite me as the microwave does the same, but way faster.
Tara Wright says:
I wish I had read this earlier. I have a crock pot you may have. Also: a bread maker. A fondue pot. A deep fryer (because of course I have time to make my own donuts!). An electric knife to make quick work of dismembering bodies. Also a panini maker. None of these items have seen use. Except the knife. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
@Tara Wright No joke, I used (back in my late 20s) to take women to my apartment for a first date and cook fondue (oil) with different meats. This was my signature move. I’m not cool.
YoungmanBrown says:
Just don’t use the 3-year old barbeque sauce to make pulled pork, and you should be fine.
D.J. Paris says:
@YoungmanBrown You can’t tell me what to do.
BitingLife says:
Awww she sounds awesome 🙂 You’re lucky!
But, while you seem perfectly secure if your manliness – I feel like if I tried to do anything like that for my boyfriend, he would freak out! I offered to clean his bathroom once and he got so upset and just told me that he was going to do it. Once, I just did it without asking and he was so grateful.
How come he was upset that I asked to do it, but not when I actually did it? I need more guys friends to ask these things to! If I want to bring something like that up again, how do I make him realize that I want to do things for him b/c I care about him and NOT have him think I’m insulting him (I guess, by inferring that it needs to be done b/c he hasn’t already done it?). It’s not like I’m being mean about it or anything!
D.J. Paris says:
@BitingLife Hmm… this is a really good question. There’s probably something going on where he feels emasculated letting a woman do things for him if she asks. This was probably learned from his mom or dad. Just a thought.
taraleigh2020 says:
@tfpHumorBlog what a crock. haha Its sounds like you have been blessed with e a lovely girlfriend. Now go do something nice for her.
D.J. Paris says:
@taraleigh2020 I give her my presence, which, let’s face it, is quite a gift. Hmm. Maybe a Tiffany tennis bracelet is better. Ha.
taraleigh2020 says:
@tfpHumorBlog yeah, go with the latter. haha 🙂
TeaUnsweetened says:
I tried “helping” 2.0 by adding better songs to his iPod… apparently there’s a line, and adding Disney show tunes to his “metal road mix” playlist is well over it.
D.J. Paris says:
@TeaUnsweetened Yeah, that would be grounds for divorce.
Jennyh247 says:
@tfpHumorBlog You are not supposed to GET Target, just go if you must, and be quiet while she shops. http://t.co/iMPux3oK
D.J. Paris says:
@Jennyh247 I am going to make you crazy right now. Target is just WalMart with more red.
Jennyh247 says:
@tfpHumorBlog Well, it’s like you said, you don’t get Target. Clearly this is true.
Jennyh247 says:
@tfpHumorBlog Well it’s like you said, you don’t get Target. Clearly this is true.
Dana says:
Maybe behind the scenes, like with the corporate structure or something, but Target actually makes an effort to achieve aesthetics better than “clashy crazy UFO warehouse.”
I can’t stand shopping at Wal-Mart, and that’d be true even if I didn’t know of Wally World’s more egregious business practices.
EFFBlog says:
@tfpHumorBlog LMAO, my husband has said that last line a million times. He thinks he’s so smart being a contractor and all.
EFFBlog says:
@tfpHumorBlog Joking aside, I really should try to think of something kind to do for and/or with him. He deserves that.
D.J. Paris says:
@EFFBlog I recommend not making out with a random dude at BlogHer NYC. I’ll be watching and reporting back to him!
EFFBlog says:
@tfpHumorBlog I’ll be sure to keep that one on my list 🙂 He can thank me later. He’s lucky I’m such a giving wife.