New AimingLow Post Live
An oldie, but a goodie… and a redux to boot! This is the true and sexy story when I saw one of my high school crushes totally naked many years after we graduated. And she hugged me. And I fell in love again. AimingLow decided it was worth publishing. I rewrote and tightened up the screws. Unfortunately there were no screws in the actual story. Feel free to click below and visit....
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Someone Is Out To Get Me!!!
Yesterday I talked about how sick I was. I still am. I bike to work each day, and it’s really nice along the lake in Chicago. And normally I’m loving it. It’s not an easy ride, though. I have my dog strapped to my back, and I have a pannier with my work clothes (suit stuff) draped across the back on the bike. The ride is about ten miles, and when it’s windy it...
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The Paris Sleep Chronicles
I’m crazy sick. This is the first time in over two years that I have a cold. As such, I’ve been jacked up on anything that ends in the word “ephedrine” for two days straight. I thought this morning, “Well, since I’m nearly hallucinating from this cold, it would probably be healthy to bicycle to work ten miles each way.” Not my best call. But who...
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Isn’t Every Day Mother’s Day?
…is something I would never say, write, or even think! Cursed is the man who utters such a phrase! Run out of town on a rail he should be! Okay, obviously I was kidding – I’m sure you were ready to punch me through your computer screen right into my sack. The truth is that moms work damned hard. I know that my mother was busting her fanny just raising us even when she...
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The Worst Post of the Year
As many of you know I have written a post every day this year. I’ve also bragged in interviews that I haven’t published a poor one yet. Each one, while not perfect was at least a 7/10. You may disagree. F you and your silly hat. However, this is the first time I’ve had a true block. Usually I can go back through my day and find something funny, interesting, or touching...
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Best Advertising Request EVER
Several months ago I started an advertising section on the site to help pay bills. Thankfully I now have a good group of sponsors. Their stuff is on the right over there. Check it out! By the way if you have a blog or product or service to promote, go ahead and click the advertising link on the right on up top. Today I received, to date, my favorite advertising request ever. Here it is in...
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Putting Off Packing
Tomorrow I leave for Peoria to spend with the weekend with my parents. Mother’s Day and all. While I was catching up on some stuff tonight, I realized I hadn’t packed. This isn’t a big trip – just three hours by car. I have to put some food and water out for the cat, put clothes in my little suitcase thing, and pack up the computer. Also, I’m bringing the...
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I’ve Been Appointed!
Doesn’t that sound a lot more official than, “Some chicks gave me a position with their website?” No? Sort of deceptive? Yeah, I hear you. Some chicks gave me a position with their website! AimingLow is a fantastic humor website (seriously), which is collection of funny writers doing what they do best. Effacing themselves through embarrassment. They have published...
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I Can’t Wait to Ride You!
Yes. I’m talking about you. (I address my bicycle as “you”.) I know. That was dumb. And made you feel uncomfortable for a moment. Especially if you’re a dude. Well, I guess maybe not all dudes would have felt uncomfortable. Certain ones. But, this is a post about riding a bike. And, goddammit, there’s just no way you’re going to read a post...
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I Have One Of Those Headache Things
I probably get four headaches a year. I think the weather has something to do with it, and maybe it’s a rain humidity thing. Who knows. Note – I ended that with a period, not a question mark, as I don’t really care for the answer. Bottom line is that I currently have a headache. I never know how much pain medicine to take. I know that gel cap shit works the best, but I...
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I Need Your Input!
I’ve been working to develop something very unique and exciting (at least to me – maybe only me) for this blog. This is something that has been discussed for over six months, and I’m getting ready to start production. There’s still a chance it might not happen, but I’m confident that we can get it completed. And… Since you are a reader, I would really like...
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Walking Alone (But Not Really)
I woke up to write this to you. I’d much rather still be asleep dreaming of stewardesses sitting atop my lap. That shows you how dated my references are. There hasn’t been a young and attractive stewardess on a commercial flight since 1983. No, I woke up out of guilt. Fear, really. Back in January I committed to writing a blog post every day. This goes against most...
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My Favorite Reader of All Time
I tweeted this out hours ago, and I’m sorry about the repeat. But this is still making me laugh. And I mean out loud. Right now. The other day I wrote about my biggest fan – she had read every one of my words within eight hours. While I admire her devotion and I love her for her effort, she is not my favorite fan. No, I’m sorry. And that goes as well for my close...
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My Relationship With Denise
I see a therapist once a week. And while nobody would describe me as “nuts” (Well, maybe a few people would. Like Steve. But Steve’s the one who’s nuts. You hear me Steve? You’re nuts!! Nuts!!!), I still have a number of issues. Everyone who knows me would most likely agree. I mean, I write a blog, for chrissakes. Nobody without issues writes a...
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10,000 Tweeps
Back when I went to BlogWorld I wasn’t sold on using Twitter to find new readers. I really didn’t understand what Twitter was despite having used it for over two years. I had a smattering of followers and no idea how to get more. Ironic because I was attending the largest social media event of the year. But I really didn’t care. See, I was riding high on Google. At...
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Explicit Text Message From a Desperate Man
I imagine every woman has one of these stories. This morning, my girlfriend received a text message from a guy she went out with a few times over a year ago. They haven’t spoken since, and I don’t think he even lives in the same state. The message was something like, “I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I really want to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.” And I’m not...
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I’m Going to Walk For Some Damn Dogs!
Every year I do exactly one charitable thing. On May 5th I’ll be walking (I think it’s two miles) with my dog, Lil’ Miss Meepers, and a few thousand other dogs and owners for Anti-Cruelty. It’s called Bark in the Park, and it goes to support the largest no-kill animal shelter in Illinois. Look, I don’t care if you beat dogs personally, buy them from puppy mills,...
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6 Days Since Cat Pee
I’m introducing a new and SO INSANELY EXCITING feature on my blog that you might literally have a coronary reading the very next sentence. I have installed a timer to display the number of days, hours, and minutes since the last time my cat Pantaloons peed on the bed where I sleep. Right on this very blog. I know. You just pissed yourself silly. That white dining room chair you...
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This Post Isn’t Funny – Sorry, Yo
A few months ago, to eat better and save a few dollars, I decided to bring my own lunch every day to work. I’ve been working professionally since I was twenty-one, and why I have failed to do this up until now, I have no idea. It’s something small that I do for myself every morning. Actually I do three things that are healthy. Play with my cat using DaBird, the greatest cat toy...
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Prozac in the Ears (and on my fingertips)
The only thing worse about somebody that has cats is somebody who writes about cats. So, let’s get started. If you’re new to this blog, you might not be aware of the seemingly endless saga of my cat peeing outside her litter pan. This is particularly bothersome because I am a fantastic owner. My ex-wife is also a veterinarian. But before I left this weekend for a trip,...
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Interview With Yours Truly
Angelica Dawson recently reached out to me to ask about my blog, my writing process, and a bunch of other stuff. If you want to learn even more about me than you already know click here to read the...
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How I Got Out Of A Ticket
Let’s face it – some cops are dicks. Not all, of course. But many of them are ex-jocks in high school who got bald and fat and still like to bully people. I personally have no issue with cops, as I don’t think I’ve actually spoken to one in years. I stay out of trouble, and they stay away from me. Except for tonight. I was heading from Chicago to Peoria earlier this...
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So Apparently I’m Going Bald
I was getting my hair cut today which I do every six weeks. I’ve been going to M Salon for three years. It’s really nice and they let me bring my dog. My hair stylist has become a friend. I tell her everything that’s going on in my life. She’s really good at cutting hair, too. She also won Best Body during the Miss Illinois pageant, so she’s not awful to...
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Something Bit My Leg!
I’ve written before that I’ve never been bit by a mosquito. Or maybe I have but my skin isn’t allergic to the sting. Who knows? So, when people talk about itching or the red bump shit on their calves, I just stare at them blankly. I have no idea what that is, but it seems to itch like a prick according to you fools. It also must be an endorphin machine because you go...
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I Ran Over My Groceries!
Back on January 1st, I committed to writing one post a day for thirty days. This was a difficult task for that month, and it caused me to build a few muscles that I hadn’t before. Now it’s mid-April and I have the streak intact. I used to plan out my posts in the morning on the way to work. I’d draft an outline, write a bit on the subway, and then on the way home from...
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Thank You!!!
I really try to let my readers know how appreciative I am that they read, continue to read, and comment. I receive heartfelt emails from you and that makes my insides warm (so does diphtheria). Rachel Thompson and I would like to thank you for all the people that read our debut column, Rachel and Delfin Argue (About You). You nearly broke my all time high daily record for views. If you...
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I Scored A Turkey Breast!
I have an AWESOME food tip for you. You know those rotisserie chickens you can get pre-cooked from the grocery store? I love those things and probably average one a week. I heat up a little brown rice and vegetables and combine it all in a bowl like pig feed. I know this sounds healthy, and it is, but it’s only once a week. The rest of the time it’s fozen pizzas and graham...
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I Wrote This On My Phone, Damnit!
I just realized that I nearly forgot to post today. I’ve made it every day this year and would prefer not to kill the streak. It’s the only streak I haven’t broken – just ask my Portuguese Rosetta Stone program and gym membership. Oh, and I don’t clean the cat box every three days like I promised either. I’m in the Chicago suburbs in my car on the phone...
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I Have Integrity!
The other day an advertiser for a very popular video clip website (not THAT one) contacted me about putting a link to their site on my page. They were willing to spring for some decent cash and I was excited. First, I use their website. Second, I need the dough. So, I put it up as I normally would and was just about ready to accept payment when the rep emailed me telling me that they...
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Know Anybody Famous?
A few days ago I blogged about my magazine writing debut in uG Magazine (Urban Gentleman). Apparently the articles were well-received as I’ve been assigned a new feature for the next issue. They want me to interview and spotlight somebody well-known who is either a television personality, actor, or musician. We already have some connections and access to a few big names. BUT… I hate...
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Let’s Make Fun of Canada!
Going to keep this one short, because I need YOUR help. I pitched an idea to a Canadian publication completely joking around about how I’d like to write a piece for their readers (online they get about 20k a day) called “Why Americans Make Fun of Canadians.” I fully expected an “F-you!” back from them, as they are not a humor publication. In fact, they focus on...
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Central Florida Was Not That Bad
There’s a great line in the movie, Easy A that speaks to the uniqueness of Florida. Due to his “condition,” Micah was sent on an extended visit to his grandparents’ in Palatka, Florida. And if there’s one thing worse than chlamydia, it’s Florida. If you haven’t seen the movie, please do. One of the funniest films in years. If you listen to Adam...
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Urban Gentleman Magazine
Yesterday I had three pieces go live in Urban Gentleman Magazine. You can read the magazine online below, or better yet, purchase it at your local newsstand. Special thanks to Editor-In-Chief Stacy Ellen who took a chance on me with absolutely no professional writing credits. I’m proud to be associated with her magazine. Open publication - Free publishing - More adam...
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Rachel and Delfin Argue (About You) – Emotionally Distant Men
WHY EMOTIONAL DISTANT MEN AREN’T YOUR PROBLEM Rachel Thompson I got this, DJ. Step off. When I first met my guy, I was thoroughly baffled at how he could be so romantic and lovely when he was not working, and yet so distant and humorless when he was. Who was this guy? Was he bipoloar? Or had I done something to upset him? I was so confused. Sound familiar? Chicks are taught from an early age...
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A Gift From My Partner, Rachel!
If you’ve been following this blog, you know that my pal and author Rachel Thompson are rolling out a new feature. In fact, I’m putting the finishing touches on our debut now, and it will go live later today. To tide you over, Rachel has very generously agreed that, for today only, to provide her books at no cost for you. Amazon only gives her a few of these comp days per year, and...
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Ready To Throw Up?
A few days ago I talked about how depressing it is to catch myself naked in the bathroom mirror. Many of you reported similar feelings of shame. Here’s another knock to my vanity. Last night, while visiting my girlfriend in Atlanta, she decided to record me sleeping. Why? Because apparently I snore like a dick. Meanwhile, every single time someone has told me I snored (see how I...
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How To Bring A Stinky Sandwich On an Airplane
If you’re Jewish, or secretly wish you were, (like me) you know that Passover is upon us. I don’t know much about their religion, but I know that the Jews have some pretty fantastic food. Ever eaten matzo ball soup? It’s the best thing ever. I’m totally shocked that I’ve never once seen it on a restaurant menu outside of a few delis. Also, just matzo...
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I’m Never In Anyone’s Dreams
When I was in college, my senior capstone class was simply titled, “Dreaming.” We studied the nature of dreams and their history in psychology, spirituality, and philosophy. There were two parts to the class – one academic and one practical. The academic part was pouring through literature about dreams, such as the huge volumes Freud had put together. Lots of lectures, you...
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If You Like The Way You Look In The Mirror…
About once a week I catch a glimpse of myself as I exit the shower stall. One whole wall of my bathroom is mirror. I do my very best to avoid looking at my naked bodice. I know you do, too. I was thinking about the meaning of life the other day. Heady shit, no? Yes! One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Richard Sutphen, has taught that the secret of life is to let go of fear and...
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Announcing The TFP Newsletter!
Okay, yesterday I was really excited because of my new column with bestie Rachel Thompson. It’s going to be the nuts. And I have another big annoucement, although I already spilled the beans in the post title. Yep, a ThoughtsFromParis newsletter! Now, before you run away, I’m with you. Newsletters suck. Oh yes, yes they do. The ones you get from the online vitamin store, the...
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The BIG Reveal!! (at least to me it’s big)
A few days back I wrote about a new feature I’m rolling out with an author pal of mine. She and I have very strong opinions on stuff. She’s usually wrong. (She will very much will not appreciate that last sentence.) This feature, foolish readers, is all about YOU. I’m tired of this thing being just about me. Plus, I’m running out of shit to talk about. I...
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Today Was Ruined By Pizza
I have developed this amazingly healthy habit of bringing my lunch every day to work. It saves a few dollars and keeps me out of Subway which continues to get more and more depressing each time I head there. Plus, I actually feel GOOD about myself preparing a meal the night before. I wish in high school instead of Honors Civics I could have taken a “Ways to Take Care of Yourself That...
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The Best Thing About Being Me
You know what I love more than just about anything? The freedom to pass out on Friday night at 9pm after four pizza slices and a Fresca. The just happened. I took a nap on the couch with my cat on my chest. I awoke with my dog on my chest which is strange as she cannot jump up onto the couch by herself. Maybe I sleep-helped her up. No idea. Now, at 35, I have to really appreciate these...
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It Started With White Nose Hairs
I have never picked my nose. Not once. I don’t dig and flick. But… I absolutely love yanking out nose hairs. I’ve been doing it since I was twenty-one. The first time I was just sitting around watching Jeopardy and I reached up to scratch that part of the face where mustaches grow (I know that place has a name, but damned if I know it) and I felt a tickle in my...
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Welcome New Readers!
In the past few weeks, traffic has really jumped and I wanted to say thanks. You’ve probably noticed comments have picked up and I’m glad you’re all talking. Also, if you’re new, back in January I committed to writing every day. After that ended, I decided to just keep going. I think today is around day 88 or so. Obviously, I don’t expect you to read...
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I Got My First Hate Mail!
So yesterday my cat made peepers on my comforter and I noticed while I was laying it in. And I nearly beat her silly. Today, on my way to work, someone posted this… First of all, the George Zimmerman reference – how topical! I applaud his ability to liken me to someone who shot and killed a teenager based most likely on prejudice. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it...
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I Nearly Punched My Cat Tonight
I’m not proud of this. But thirty minutes ago, I nearly punched my cat. I definitely have anger issues. When something goes wrong in certain ways, I react with a fight-or-flight mentality. I remember once during Hell Week at my fraternity, after only fifty minutes of sleep the first night, some members came into the place I was sleeping and banged on pots and pans. I jumped up (they...
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We Need YOUR Opinion On Something BIG!
I’m happy to be announcing a new feature on this site that is all about you (for once). I’m teaming up an amazing partner for a column where we discuss YOUR challenges and provide our take on your situation. She’s a woman (unnecessary as I just said “she”) and we’ll be able to provide two different perspectives on your challenge. We have a few ideas of the...
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I May Be Getting My Weighted Vest After All
In the past month I’ve talked about how I might have SPD and how I explored the idea of buying one of those weighted lead vests that dentists put on you during an xray. Then I nearly purchased one, but some turd bought it before me. So I was just sitting here, like an asshole with no heavy vest. UNTIL TODAY Here’s what I saw today when I logged into Facebook. My response… So I...
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I’m Playing Live Tonight In YOUR City! (if your city is Chicago)
Tonight (Friday) the band I’m in, TheNumbers, are playing at El’s Kitchen in Lincoln Park. This is a unique show, as we are playing two one-hour sets. That’s a lot of us. As I know I have at least four Chicago readers, I would love to meet you all. For some reason I get a lot of people in Canada, but I’m not going up there. True your side of Niagra is cooler, but...
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Let’s Look At Some Goddamn Headshots!
One thing I’ve learned as somebody who has tried to maintain honesty and integrity with a blog: Whenever I’m afraid to share something because I’m ashamed is exactly the time to do it. I’m mostly afraid to share hard truth. This was how I lived up until a few years ago – I was always a very nice, outgoing person, but one that was terrified for you to see my...
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It Sucks Being Fair
I was in San Francisco this past week with my girlfriend for a wedding. San Fran is one of the greatest cities in the country. It’s basically NYC, Chicago, and San Francisco in my opinion. And this opinion is right. There isn’t a better big city than those three (sorry Jacksonville). But the weather in SF sucks. It just does. That’s how amazing the city is. The...
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My Big Head Got A Headshot!
I just came back from a headshot photoshoot. Why, you ask? Am I going to Hollywood? No. I am writing for a new magazine and they are nice enough to put me on their fancy “contributing editors” page. So, in typical D.J. fashion, I scheduled the shoot for the day I got back from a wedding. In fact it was on my way home from the airport, where I still reeked of plane...
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The First Thing I Do When I Arrive At a New City
I sleep. I remember back when I was 24, and had moved into Chicago. Well, I hadn’t moved yet, but I just signed a lease. The apartment was completely empty, and, instead of leaving right away, I passed out. On the kitchen countertop. The kitchen had a long countertop that three-quarters of the way down was interrupted by the sink. Then it picked up after the sink for a final two...
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Photo Lab Stupidity
I’ve previously written about my time as a video and photo thief when I worked at Kroger in college. This morning a fraternity brother, Jimmy, was going through a stack of old photos and found an Advantix package I had developed. If you remembered Advantix the negatives always stayed in the canister, and you were just given it back after the development. It also had kind of a cool case...
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We. Have. Merch.
Here in San Francisco for my good friend David Ribando’s wedding. Tonight was the rehearsal dinner, and since I’m in the wedding, gifts were dispersed. The rest of the wedding party received these oak casks where you can make your own aged whiskey. Pretty cool for them. I don’t drink. My bag was totally different. Dave had reached out to a merchandising company that...
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Good & Plenty + Chest Hair = Delicious
I am totally out of steam tonight as I worked a full day, raced to the boarding place where my dog is spending the next five days, raced home to meet my dad who drove up from Peoria, and then raced to the Goodman Theatre to watch a production of Tennessee Williams’ Camino Real. The play/musical is the oddest spectacle I’ve ever witnessed. Probably a reason it’s only been...
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Vote For My Non-Baby Ginger!
My good friend Megan works for a credit union that is throwing a big contest for “cutest baby” or something. Since every baby looks exactly the same to me, I didn’t pay close attention. However, apparently the people in the first few slots are cheating. Somehow they’re artificially getting votes, and apparently the system detected it. But before the system caught it,...
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First Two Magazine Articles Submitted!
I’m excited to call myself not only a blogger, chronic funnymaker, semi-professional Filipino Slapfighter, and drinker of Fresca. Now I can add “contributing editor” to that list. Tonight I cranked out 1000 words for two articles for Urban Gentleman Magazine. I wrote about three spring activities that combine sports and social. No, I’m not doing the big reveal until...
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Some Guy Called Me A Dick!
I don’t think I ever have been flipped the bird while driving. If so I have forgotten. It’s likely, just from a law of averages sort of thing. I was thinking about it today, and I also don’t think I’ve been in an accident since I was sixteen. Yesterday, I came pretty close. I was heading out of Jos. A Bank with some new shirts, because I am super hip and trendy. I...
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I Wrote A Novel!
No, not really. But I got your attention, right? What a sneaky dick! I was curious to see how many words I’ve written since I started this fakakta blog. Thankfully, as Apple puts it… There’s a piece of electronic computing software that is available to download and install that will perform a series of applicative tasks on your behalf. There IS an app for this! So,...
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Guess Who Took A Bath?
D.J. did! D.J.’s dog did! I have previously spoke of my love for baths. Actually I hadn’t taken one in a month until tonight. I realized my dog had not been cleaned in over three months. Now, before you get grossed out, please realize that my dog spends a total of 10 minutes a day outside. She’s 7lbs and I have to carry her when there’s ice, snow, or rain, because...
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AimingLow Published Another Gross D.J. Story
One of my favorites and most awful… Click Here!
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Girlfriends and Wives, Pay Attention!
My girlfriend Jessica flew up from Atlanta this past weekend. She was here two weeks ago, and I was excited that she was back so soon. Now, many women are fun to be around. Others are cool. Some can make you laugh. I’ve dated many that were smarter than me, which I found satisfying. Every girlfriend is different and each has their great qualities and their quirks. My friend...
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Do This Now!
I’m going to take a break from my daily thoughts and my stories about being a non-Catholic in a Catholic high school or the time I thought I was dying (but it turned out I had just eaten some beets). No, this post contains no jokes about genitalia, passing wind in elevators, or how I cry during Extreme Home Makeover (I totally do). Today, I received an unexpected card in the mail from my...
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Gumballs for $1.99!
I have nothing funny to say today except I went to Marshall’s for the first time ever. It is the strangest largest store I’ve ever been inside. That sentence is sort of goofy, but I mean, for a department store of sorts, it has the oddest collection of stuff. I found a long tube of green apple gumballs just sitting on a shelf. $1.99 – Compare to $2.99. Where am I going...
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Day 63 Without a Miss!
I just realized I have now made it over two months of daily posts without a miss. I should probably try getting to gym every day for 63 days, but you wouldn’t appreciate reading posts about how many reps I did to blast my glutes. (It was four by the way.) How can you support me? Three ways! First, on the right hand side, I have advertisers that spend cash to be here. Their sites...
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What Freaks You Out? (I’m In The Middle Of Cooking A Curry Chicken Dinner So This Will Be Brief)
In the past few months, I’ve talked about sensory processing disorder (SPD), how I can’t stand to touch cotton balls, and that I want to buy a 20lb blanket to soothe me. I was talking with my girlfriend Jessica, and I mentioned that rubbing two Kleenexes together totally freaks me out. As I was saying this over the phone, she shivered out loud and said she could feel pain in the...
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I Am So Mad At Myself!
Why? Some bozo bought the stained-green-used-dental-Xray-vest out from under me. Yes, the stained-green-used-dental-Xray-vest that was once owned and operated by Dr. Wang and still bared his name in cursive. I wasn’t paying attention to the bidding, and I guess I just never thought somebody’s self esteem would be low enough to buy this. Other than me. Think of how bad you must...
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My Cat Has Figured It Out
My cat has stopped taking her Prozac. Just within the past three days after successfully consuming her soft Whisker Lickins (with a half tab of Prozac hidden inside) for months, she has lost all interest in eating the traet. This is not good because when she’s off her meds, she pees. Usually she pees on my bed. If I go back to the liquid form, she will end up hiding from me because...
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I Purposely Forget To Flush My Toilets – A Confession
The first thing I do when I know someone is coming over to my place is check the bathrooms. For unflushed pee. I’ve written earlier about how I talk to my friends on my phone whilst using the W.C. Out of respect I don’t flush during a call. I’m not an animal, for God’s sake. When one of my buddies is crying because of Grandma’s gout, that is not the time...
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Used Dental Apron – No Answers Yet
Two days ago I’ve wrote about how awesome it feels to have those dental x-ray lead aprons draped over you in the chair. Many of you responded and said you felt exactly the same. Others said that I’m a weirdo with a major personality disorder. And even a few questioned why we call dentists Doctor. I mean, they didn’t go to medical school, right? Actually, I have no idea....
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I’m About To Do Something Gross
Yesterday I posted about how get extreme pleasure from those heavy dental aprons they put on you during x-rays. I looked into buying one last night, but the really good ones are a few hundred dollars. Did I really want to blow a few hundred bucks on a lead apron? Seems like an expensive experiment. I mean, I only have had that thing on me for three minutes at a time. Maybe at minute four...
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Anyone Have A Dental Lead Apron To Sell?
I wrote on the social networks this morning… This is a very common thing apparently for people with sensory processing disorder. So I threw it up wondering if I was the only one of my friends and readers. I don’t think loving the feeling of heavy weighted aprons full of lead on my chest is weird – I mean I’m not Temple Grandin squatting in that hug machine she built....
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A Few Songs From Last Weekend
Here’s a few tracks recorded very poorly from our show last weekend. As you listen please try to remember that we try to use our eyes to make love to the audience, which doesn’t come through in the recordings. We also use our genitals to make love to the audience, but that’s for after the show. Zing! Click the play buttons below! Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player...
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UPDATE – FIXED!!! My Site Is Down! (Sort Of…)
This morning at 8:38am CST, some piece of shit hacked into my server and broke a bunch of stuff on this site. I tracked the ip address to Poland. What is broken is every single link on the site. While I attempt to get this fixed, please bear with me. In fact you can join me in a prayer to our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Dear Jesus, please deliver a terminal illness to those responsible...
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Our Show Last Weekend
In the last post I wrote about how my girlfriend flew in and I showed up at the wrong airport. Our band was scheduled to go on stage soon after that, and she had to take the subway with her luggage to the club. Very romantic. Last year I bought a Rivera amp from the 80s. I always wanted an amp that I would never need to replace. This was an expensive purchase. Next to my car it’s...
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Wrong Airport
Last Friday, reader-turned-girlfriend Jessica flew in from Atlanta to spend the weekend. No, she’s not super keen on President’s Day; she does love herself some Rutherford B. Hayes, however. I would like to formally announce that is my first semicolon ever used on this website. It makes me happy to show off. We had a show last Friday night and Jessica was coming in the same...
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Something Funny Happened To Me Today In Therapy
A funny thing happened to me today in therapy. I arrived at the office prepared to talk (read: complain) about what’s going on in my life. I do this every Tuesday at 10:15am. I started in about something, probably how I’m too amazing even for myself, and how hard it is to just be me. You know, my problems. All of a sudden I got this tightness in my chest. A pressure that...
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AimingLow Published My Nonsense!
The fantastic and funny AimingLow published one of my stories that I rewrote and polished. Check out the awesomeness here!
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I Got a F***ing Pedicure!
A few weeks back I showed photos of my shameful feet. My toes, specifically. Actually one toe. The big monster spear toe. The second one from the inside. If you didn’t read that post – click here and prepare to get fouled out. While Jessica The Reader (aka Jessica) was in town this weekend, she forced me to get a pedicure. Quite frankly, I don’t really understand the...
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I Support One Of Our Troops!
Well… sort of. One of my first readers, Karen, became very special to me when I started writing regularly. The reason? She made me feel like I was doing something good for our county. Karen is in the Air Guard and over in Afghanistan doing the things that troops do during a war. She works on planes and wrenches most of the day. I was sort of disappointed that she didn’t...
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TechnicallyIPostedToday
This counts, people. I just finished a seven person dinner party. I cooked a 15 lb turkey. No gravy – gravy is for pussies who don’t know how to cook a turkey. Okay, going to bed. Exhausted. Most amazing post ever, D.J.!
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Jessica Is Coming (Not Literally)
This weekend Jessica aka Jessica The Reader is coming for a visit. If you’re new to the site, you may want to read the back story of how we met. I’d like to mention a golden move she made in preparation of this trip. Hey, since I haven’t yet met all your friends, let’s throw a dinner party at your place! That never would have occurred to me, and demonstrates a real...
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Performing Live – What Goes On In My Mind
TheNumbers, our band, is performing live tomorrow night here in Chicago. Just in case you happen to be local, we’re playing at Silvie’s in Lakeview and go on at 10:30pm. For the rest of you who don’t give a shit, please keep reading. We have learned that a producer will be in attendance to watch our performance. Apparently she has her own studio and just finished an album...
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Where Do You Live? Tell Me Now!
In the past two days I got a few emails that made me laugh. The first was from a reader in Scotland. She told me she likes me because my “humour” is different from the Scots, and essentially way better. But what about all the amazing Scottish comedians we worship? You know, um… well… hmm. Isn’t Craig Ferguson from Scotland? He’s sort of...
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I’m Hosting a Dinner Party and Need To Clean The Condo
Here’s my thought… How can I clean my place just enough not to let anyone know just how disgusting I live? I’m a master at cutting corners when it comes to sanitation. Nobody knows better how to kick things under beds, toss shit into closets and you pray are not opened, and use what magicians call misdirection. A good example of misdirection is shining up the granite counter...
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Would Really Like to Take the Day Off Of Writing
After 44 days of straight blogging, I’m pretty wiped out. I am so drained of anything funny that I’m searching any and all memories trying to scrounge up something to write about. The truth is, I’m stressed about money. This is incredibly embarrassing but I’m really really low on funds. For the first time in my life. Obviously I’m not alone. Many are...
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My Car Exploded! (Not Exactly)
Earlier I went to the grocery. (see, I’m just like you!) On the way there, I heard a large “pop.” And this came from inside the car. This was not the first time in recent months that I’ve had a problem with my car. My mom very graciously passed down her automobile last fall. It’s from 1999. And one of those cars that has a lot of gadgets and accessories....
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Vlog – From The Tub
This video was entirely shot, edited, produced and uploaded from the tub. I know. It’s cool. The double chin shown in the video is a special effect I used....
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It’s 11:47pm
In my ongoing efforts to produce a post every single day, this one is down to the wire. I only have a few minutes, so here goes: Last night I dreamt that my sister and my friend’s sister had little girls in kindergarten. I went to pick them up from school on a bicycle (not sure how that was going to work), and when I arrived, I saw all the other mothers waiting outside for their kids to...
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I Communicate With My Ex-Wife Through Jokes
One of the questions I am asked regularly is… Do you still talk with your ex-wife? The answer is yes. Since I’m in a ridiculous number of support groups and therapy, I’ve had a year point five to process a lot of the anger and sadness that comes with divorce. Sure it still pops up once in awhile, and I feel like crying (sometimes I do) or screaming choice expletives at an...
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My Server Got Hacked! (But Now It’s Un-Hacked)
At around 5pm today I got an urgent email and voicemail from my server and hosting provider, GoDaddy. Apparently they had been trying to contact me for a week. The problem is that they also call once in awhile to upsell me on an upgraded server or more bandwidth. So, whenever they call, I just let it go to voicemail and then I delete, without listening. Well, anyway, I get an email today...
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Sensory Processing Disorder (Or… How I Learned Why I’m A Total Spaz)
So, my girlfriend started doing research on Adult ADD, which I have. I take a bunch of medicine for it and all, but I also tend to freak out very easily about non-important stuff which doesn’t seem to be related to the condition. Some of it is psychological, I’m sure. That’s why I have a competent therapist, and spend time each week on the couch. But there’s other...
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Coming Home – Vlog
Do you enjoy coming home? I guess that depends if your parents suck or not. Here’s my...
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The Best Joke I Wrote Last Night In A Dream
A few times a week I find myself coming up with a joke during a dream. And that joke, I’m absolutely convinced, is the greatest joke of all time. Every time. I vow upon awaking that I will write this gem down and create that day’s blog post around it. I get excited and actually think that this will be funniest post I’ve ever written. Yes, this all happens during a dream. ...
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TheNumbers Band
