I could not have been more excited to come to BlogHer 2012, the top women’s blogging conference in the country. There are five thousand female bloggers and seventeen men. I’m not totally sure on the actual men’s count, but it can’t be much higher. I’m here because many bloggers I love told me to come.
Since my sister sold her condo in the West Village, I’m staying with her and her boyfriend out in Queens. The commute to the MidTown Hilton is about forty minutes.
I’d like to point out I’m not a douche who sits. I stand and let the ladies sit. I’m amazed how many dudes in their twenties are sitting. I guess they don’t know that if you give up your seat for a woman she will have sexual relations with you later that evening.
I should have probably looked at the subway map before departing. Would have been a strong tactical decision. However, I did not, and realized this near the end of the ride. What I’m saying without exaggeration is that I had no idea at which stop to get off. I guess I just assumed there would be a map in the subway car. No. Or that my phone would work on the train. No. Or that a stop would just list “Hilton – D.J. Get Off Here!” No.
I asked a young guy next to me and he said to get off at the next station. When I emerged I was at 40th on 6th. I needed to get to 53rd. In Chicago blocks this would have been cause for a taxi. Here the blocks are laughable. I started trekking.
Around 47th street I noticed perspriation beginning on the front of my shirt. While I don’t sweat from my armpits, my chest and back cry like a bastard. It’s not sexy. By the time I got to the Hilton, I had destroyed my shirt. This was a ten-minute walk. I’d like to point out that I bike twenty miles every single day and eat healthy. I’m not overweight and have no medical issues. Except this.
I was way too embarrassed to go to the conference in this condition so I took to the bathroom. I didn’t know what to do other than wait it out. I immediately took my shirt off in the stall. Standing in a men’s room bathroom stall shirtless sweating is no way to start a day.
Some more tactical errors. I used toilet paper to wipe away my stomach and back sweat. I google’d “stop sweating” and learned that wiping sweat off just makes you sweat more. Biology, yo. Just for a goof I pressed my back against the side wall of the stall. I left an amazing sweat-angel. I should have photoed this as you’re probably not believing any of it. But it’s all true.
The conference started at 9am, around the same time I got into the bathroom. I wasn’t in a condition to get out until 9:50am. And believe me, if I could have left a moment before then I would have. My shirt dried faster than my body.
So, I missed the opening keynote which is a bummer. But I was there for everything else. Actually I’m still here and getting ready to hit up some of the parties. President Obama addressed us live via satellite and I got to meet some amazing bloggers.
While God didn’t make me obese, hair-lipped, or follicle challenged, he did create an amazing chest and back sweat system. Tomorrow I wear an undershirt like an old man.