I’m Rebellious Like…

by D.J. Paris on January 25, 2013

I’ve never been much of a rebel.

Never shoplifted as a teenager. Didn’t get drunk and vomit all over my parents while they were sleeping. Wasn’t courageous enough to light up a square in the high school bathroom.

Ooh, just remembered. Once as a freshman nature during my civics class. I was having stomach problems and needed to do very bad things. Excused to the bathroom I commenced to do what I do when I do how I do. Also, I’d like to mention that the sick screwballs at my private, Catholic high school didn’t bother to put doors on the stalls. There’s no way that would be allowed today what will all that religion’s shenanigans.

So, anyway, I’m doing what I do worst and the goddamned fire alarm goes off. Fine, except I’m only a third of the way through this movie. I hear the students run down the halls and outside onto the lawn. I was stuck. Since I’m not a pussy it never occurred to me to be afraid of a fire. No, I was afraid of being caught by a fireman and then marched outside in from of the student body. That would be more humiliated than I already was on a regular basis.

It’s not like I could do that super cool move where you pick up your feet and put them on the bowl so that nobody sees you during a routine sweep. I’m still shocked that we didn’t have doors. I’m not sure I can write that sentence enough times without it blowing my mind.

Okay, so I’d finish up and join the other frosh out on the quad. No, can’t do that. Same outcome. They’d think I either started the fire or something. Either way I’d have to answer for my deeds. Plus, I wasn’t done yet. Wait – couldn’t I just complete my business and go back to class after the  fire drill was over? No – then all the students would know I was in the bathroom dropping toads and missed the big to-do. The objective was to draw the least amount of attention to myself as possible.

Shockingly nobody checked the boys’ bathroom. This is amazing because there were only two bathrooms in the whole school. And again, no doors on the stalls. Would have taken only three seconds.

Now I was starting to sweat. I wasn’t done. They’d be filing back in soon after realizing this was some junior’s prank. Dammit, this had to be timed just perfectly. I needed to be coming out of the bathroom at just the same time as people were filing in.

Well, not unlike a Joffrey dancer, I landed right on point. The only wrinkle was that I still had the bathroom hall pass. I stuffed it into my Dockers until the end of class and then casually dropped it off on the chalkboard. Nobody knew nothing.

Coda – it’s not like I was able to run off with the homecoming queen since I averted this embarrassment. I’m not sure why I gave a shit. Pun intended.

Wait, wasn’t this post supposed to be about how I’m a rebel in certain ways? I totally lost my train of thought there. Oh well. There’s always tomorrow.

bathroom photo

I was going to make a joke about how I’m the second one from the left, but that would be untoward. But I’m not the first one. Just ask around.

Share My Awesomeness!
Weekly Best-Of D.J.!

9 comments… read them below or add one

Ericamos January 25, 2013 at 7:56 pm

Don’t ask me why I know this, but there were no doors on the stalls of the boy’s bathroom at my middle school. And I went to public school. Then again, it was Los Angeles Unified, so they probably didn’t care and cut corners wherever they could. But anyway, yes, it is totally mind blowing. Who even thinks of that?! Probably some old, greasy, exhibitionist.

Reply

Kate Hall January 25, 2013 at 8:11 pm

This is so funny! Even though I was really excited about hearing something rebellious (I posted about selling beer from my locker today) I was thoroughly entertained by this segue. Funny!

Reply

Brenda January 25, 2013 at 9:20 pm

You just admitted to a fear that all of us have. At least all that will admit it. Pooping in Public is the hardest thing to do. It’s right up there with dreaming you’re in your pj’s in public. Wow I’ve been dreaming about that for years. Brrrrrrr….scarey…brrrrrr. Glad you survived it without too much ridicule.

Reply

Lovelyn January 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm

Why were there no stalls on the doors? Is this normal for boys bathrooms in schools? Boys have such a difficult time in life.

Reply

gina valley January 26, 2013 at 12:14 am

I’m glad everything came out ok.

Reply

Stacy Harris January 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm

Hmmmm…. my husband used to complain about this type of situation when he was in the military. Seriously – some things need to happen in private. Although I am not going to lie… I can’t believe no body checked the bathroom during a fire alarm. Or didn’t bother to notice a missing kid! Glad you made it out of that shit alive! ;)

Reply

Katjaneway January 26, 2013 at 4:48 pm

That’s insane. I went to a wedding venue where the bathrooms were in another small building on the property, and the women’s stalls didn’t have any doors!!! I was like, WTF kind of shit is this??? So, I just used the one furthest down so that no one would be walking by me. That shit should be illegal.

Reply

Katjaneway January 26, 2013 at 4:49 pm

By the way, I get bathroom nightmares fairly often

Reply

Azara January 27, 2013 at 12:02 am

As scary as this incident was for you, all I can focus on is the lack of doors. How was that legal?? How?

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: