I Think I Gave Myself a UTI

by D.J. Paris on January 9, 2013

I went on a bath bonanza for the past week.

I realized I hadn’t taken a bath in a while, and I think I was sad about something. So I took a bath. I rocked it out pretty hard in there (meaning I laid down and sat motionless for twenty minutes) and so I repeated the next day, and the day after that. I probably got four in five days.

Then I left for the blog convention in Las Vegas.

To explain what I think happened next is to talk briefly about something that transpired unfortunately when I was twenty. I was working out with a trainer very intensely and I tore my urethra. Leave your jokes at the door, because I know where you just went. It turns out you’re supposed to breathe out when you exert force, not in. So I was doing the bench press and breathing in when I should have been breathing out. I’ll save the details for another dedicated post to this story, but suffice it to say, the pressure localized in my John Thomas (best expression for it ever) and somehow it tore.

Now, let’s continue the story.

I’ve always been super sensitive to pressure when flying. My ears used to burn like crazy when I was a child and it can still get to me even now. I take a decongestant (actually a whole bunch of ‘em) before a flight just to loosen up the old sinuses. I’ve never had an allergy, broken bone or major health issue, but I do get pain in my sinuses if I don’t take the meds.

Well, this time I forgot to bring the pills with me.

I noticed a little pressure in my sinuses on takeoff. No big deal as it didn’t hurt but I was worried about landing. Landing is always the worst for us ear-burners. And then for some reason I needed to pee three different times in the three hour flight. I reviewed my morning intake of food and drink. I had cereal and an egg McMuffin. A small water. That was all. I don’t normally urinate five times (I did two before flying) before 1pm. I just sort of found it interesting.

As we landed the pressure was a little rough, but not painful.

Later that evening I noticed I had been peeing all day long and that, please forgive me here, there started to be a little tiny bit of discomfort the moment I started going. Only like a .5 on the pain scale of ten, kind of like a little pinch. And only lasted for a second, at the beginning. Now, this has never happened before. I didn’t think too much about it and settled in for a bath. In a hotel bath that may or may not have been scrubbed prior to me sliding in.

All throughout the conference I noticed I had to go more often than usual. I was also slamming tons of water, though, as it was available in every discussion room. Each time I noticed that slight pinch and I finally realized something was up.

Not sure whether it was the many baths on consecutive days or the air pressure, but I think I may have a UTI.

I didn’t even know dudes could get those. It’s either that or I tore my John Thomas again. Either way, something is up. Well, not up. Kind of down and broken.

When I flew in today I started thinking that I should go to the doctor but I’m too busy until next week. Then I remembered that chicks do tons of cranberries when it happens to them. I should have Google’d it because I was wrong on two counts. First, cranberries are only for preventing UTIs, and second research has come out that suggest it does nothing to prevent the infection.

I ran to the grocery after work and picked up a bottle of the pills. Also a POM juice with cranberries in it.

I will definitely get myself to the doctor if it doesn’t heal because, well, hey, it’s the John Thomas. Plus, after this cranberry thing, I’m all out of ideas. Hopefully it’s not something un-awesome like a kidney stone. Although that would give me some decent blog material.

So, I either tore my d or gave myself a UTI. Or maybe I’ve got the gout. Who knows? Either way, here’s what my next few days are going to look like, even though there’s no evidence to suggest it will help.

cranberry pills

Are you thoroughly skeeved out?

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Karen Johnson January 9, 2013 at 10:41 pm

OWCH!!!! Don’t wait too long to get to that doctor.


Charla January 9, 2013 at 10:53 pm

If it gets real painful, you can get AZO at the store. It’s pain reliever specifically for UTI. Had a doc recommend it once and it did work.


Brenda January 9, 2013 at 10:58 pm

You make me laugh. I guess that’s the point, but between you and Al Roker just TMI Good luck.


Ericamos January 10, 2013 at 12:07 am

I swear by those cranberry pills! But like you said, it’s more preventative. The cranberry might keep it at bay right now, but you better hook yourself up with some antibiotics soon before you enter a world of hurt! (Oh, and go buy some of those red pills that turn your pee orange…you’ll have the best pee you’ve had in days!)


Sista Sertraline January 10, 2013 at 8:26 am

What?! Orange? Really??

And i thought Advil was a miracle cure all, It’s so not fair, Americans have all the best drugs….


Bina January 10, 2013 at 12:24 am

Actually, I swear by cranberry juice (plenty of it) and not just for a preemptive strike. Has the added bonus – as opposed to antibiotics – to not drag my mood down. If it gets really painful though and cranberry won’t help, the doctor’s would be a great place to start. It’ll only get worse otherwise, which isn’t much fun. Good luck.


Sista Sertraline January 10, 2013 at 6:03 am

Ouch! If it’s cystitis, it’s when you start p*ssing blood that it really goes to town, get to the docs avante! In the meantime, chug water mixed with a tsp bicarb continuously! It’s a pain in the ass I know, and you’ll barely leave the bathroom, but it’s better than a pain in your winky woo :-S


Crystal Touchton January 10, 2013 at 7:55 am

get some AZO asap, Hope big john (scratch that cause I don’t know lol ) John Thomas (love that one) feels better soon.


ilikebeerandbabies.com January 10, 2013 at 8:35 am

also get some uristat. that shit is a gift from god. both me and the hubs have used it with UTIs. Though you will pee the color of that orange dude in Sin City.


Katjaneway January 10, 2013 at 8:43 am

I’ve had a UTI before. I let it go a week before I realized something was definitely wrong with me. They suck, majorly. The feeling of having to go pee like every 20 minutes but you don’t actually have to go. And the burning doesn’t help. But you’re doing the right thing by drinking a bunch of water. That’ll help flush it out – keep that up!


Allison January 10, 2013 at 9:47 am

Get you some of the AZO test strips and AZO Urinary Pain Relief pills. The test strips should tell you if you have a UTI or not and the pills will help with the discomfort and urgency until you can get to the doctor.


Chris January 10, 2013 at 10:14 am

Had a kidney stone in 2010. Screaming agony. Best avoided.


Sheri Kaye Hoff January 10, 2013 at 10:28 am

Wow… ouch. I swear by the cranberry thing… but don’t wait too long. Sheri


Rachel Harper January 10, 2013 at 11:31 am

Bahahahaha! Not to laugh at your pain, BUT, awesome post. Good luck getting things back in..er..working order


Roxanne January 10, 2013 at 6:57 pm

Drink lots of water and try Azo, and definitely get antibiotics if it’s a uti. That’s the only thing that will make it go away, and if you let it go it can progress to a kidney infection. It may have been the baths…you might try urinating immediately after a bath in the future. They tell women to urinate after sex to prevent them, so it could work on the same principle. If you flush out the bacteria by urinating before it takes hold, you might avoid a future uti!


Stacy Harris January 10, 2013 at 8:00 pm

Sorry to hear that… If it is a UTI you best be getting it taken care of. I got one and let it go because I didn’t realize it and ended up with a kidney infection. Worst pain ever!!! Take care of yourself! or do it for good blog material!


Diane @ Me, Him And The Cats\ January 10, 2013 at 9:16 pm

I get a few UTI’s a year and I have tried every trick in the book for avoiding them but nothing seems to work, I still get a few a year. I finally broke down and started taking OTC cranberry pills a few times a week and that seems to be doing the trick. I have also heard that if you don’t like cranberries, blueberries have the same effect


Cheri January 11, 2013 at 12:27 am

So, this is my first time visiting your blog. That being the case, is it totally impolite to laugh at your discomfort? I mean, I’m not really laughing *at* you, of course, more *with*. You know. And, yeah, as much as UTIs suck, I really hope it isn’t a stone. My hubby has had a couple of those; I’m pretty sure he remembers those times as the most severe agony of his life. Don’t wait too long to visit a doc, and I hope you feel better soon.


Nicole Mojan January 11, 2013 at 10:48 pm

Even though I’m sure your D is much better by now, I have to +1 everyone who said to get your hands on some phenazopyridine. Sure, it turns your pee a hilariously bright shade of orange, but it also stops you from wanting to cut your junk off, which is what I contemplated as I fended off the Great Kidney & Bladder Infection + Double Kidney Stone Challenge of 2012.

Also, round of applause for “rocking out in the bathtub” and not making a *ahem* hairy palm joke. You’re made of maturer stuff than I.


Jennifer January 13, 2013 at 11:02 am

I hate hate hate them! Cranberry pill and water. If you need more umph- try boiling a ginger root (found in the grocery store) and *try* to drink the water like a tea.


Nora Blithe January 13, 2013 at 6:46 pm

I get one every Christmas, god help me. It means I can’t drink alcohol when I need it most–at the inlaws. Avoid them at all cost, my friend.


Candace January 18, 2014 at 1:58 pm


Go to the Health Food Store and buy some Grapefruit Seed Extract (liquid form) and take it with you everywhere you go. 20 drops in a shot of juice 3x a day till symptoms subside will knock a UTI out like a urethra during a bench press! Not kidding either, great stuff, tastes horrible so shoot it down quick like I know you drunks can :). You’re welcome! Cheers


D.J. Paris January 20, 2014 at 2:23 pm

Thanks for the advice – since this was a year ago, it went away! Ha! I tweet out old posts sometimes. Next time though, I’m going with the grapefruit!
D.J. Paris recently posted…Let’s Assess My Production Today (Hint – It’s Disappointing)


Candace January 18, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Oh works for dudes too


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