I am so incredibly exhausted right now – I will attempt to make it through this post without taking a nose-dive into the keyboard. By the way, wouldn’t it be awesome that, in my unconsiousness, my true self took over and started typing with my nose?
D.J. is actually a heavy set Asian woman with natural red hair. Do not believe his lies.
I’m going to tell you how wild I got today. I was at the grocery and there was a twelve-pack soft drink special. I had to buy four boxes of cans, but it was all the stuff I don’t know about. I only drink Fresca, and that’s the greatest thing anyway, and screw you for thinking otherwise. That’s a Coca Cola product and this special was for Pepsi Co.
So, I’m trying to figure out what’s what. They have the Sierra Mist which I guess is Sprite. I can’t drink caffeine because I turn into a wild asshole so I have to study each can like it’s the Zapruder film. I’m thumbing through the root beers to find one without calories and caffeine. But they didn’t have a lot of selection with this promotion. They did have Schwepps Ginger Ale. Now, ginger ale is about the greatest drink ever concocted. Hard to screw up. But they didn’t have the diet version because all the regular people who don’t drink regular ginger ale must have bogarted it.
I stared at the drink boxes for a good seventy seconds. I then decided I was getting a treat. I pulled the regular ginger ale into the bin. Now, this is funny. I didn’t want anyone to see me do this. I actually felt ashamed of not getting the diet version. And, I’m no health nut.
Tonight at The Goodman Theatre I brought in a big stick of Laffy Taffy and two of the giant chewy Sweet Tarts sleeves. One Sweet Tart is almost too big for my mouth. Almost.
The idea of being embarrassed of buying regular ginger ale is insane. In the same grocery store trip I had no problem picking up the large bag of Mr. Goodbar miniatures. And that’s sort of more embarrassing. It’s not like it’s Halloween and I can pretend I only give out the little candies like a dick. Unless you live in a neighborhood with more than twenty houses, buy the full size bars. Be cool.
As I’m typing this I’m having my first full calorie soft drink in ages. That’s not entirely true, as at bars, since I don’t drink booze I have to either go with water or Sprite. I probably end up having four Sprites a year. This full ginger ale is awesome. Diet drinks are great, too, but this feels like a meal. I respect that about non-diet soda. It doesn’t try to impress you with its fancy synthetic sweeteners.
Okay – I made it through the post. Maybe the worst this year. No false humility. This sucked. I can own it. Stay tuned for regularly scheduled goodness, resuming tomorrow.
Get yourself a thing of Giant Chewy Sweet Tarts this week. It will make you feel powerful and you’ll want to say, “I beat you, giant candy!” It’s fulfilling.