I Value Celebrity Over Non-Celebrity – A Confession

C'mon, she totally could be a Gertie...

I need to tell on myself, to once again reveal an insecurity.

Last night a woman contacted me online, who happens to be the wife of a national television news anchor.   (…and no, this isn’t Gertie Rather)

I just guessed that Dan Rather’s wife would be called Gertrude, even though a simple Google search revealed that she is actually named Jean. READ MORE

I Grew A Mustache! (Back in 2009)

The Resemblance to John Holmes Is Both Unfortunate and Hilarious.

Back in November 2009, I participated in Mo’vember, which is a charity to raise awareness for men’s prostate cancer.

Basically, you grow a mustache, hit up your friends for money, and then shave it off December 1.

I had never grown one before, and let me tell you a few things. READ MORE

What’s All This Farting About?

I haven’t figured out why, but sometimes I wake up farting.

You’d think that after 35 years I would have reverse engineered this algorithm, but I truly haven’t.

Now, I know this topic seems incredibly immature and sophomoric, but let me explain myself. READ MORE

The Girl With The Tiny Squeaker

I never watched the show, but she is amazing looking.

Last post I talked about a girl who, in college, dressed up like Michael Jackson to speak to our abnormal psychology class about pedophilia.

This girl also had a tiny squeaker.

I was very attracted to her, whom I’ll call Becky Katsopolis (Lori Loughlin) from the tv show, Full House.   She looked sort of like her. READ MORE

D.J. Is Going Back To College! (Maybe)

I received an extremely interesting email yesterday.

Let me back up a few steps and start that over.

Most of my readership, it appears, are women.   I have no way to verify this, but judging by the emails that comes in, it’s almost always from ladies. READ MORE

Fire Scare

So, this just happened.

I was on the phone talking with a friend, lying down on the bed in the second bedroom, when all of a sudden I smelled smoke.   I leaped up, ran into the hallway, and noticed smoke accumulating around the ceiling lighting.   My first thought was the air conditioner.   Even though it’s sort of past air conditioning season, today was 82 here in Chicago.   Since I’m on the top floor of my condo building, it’s always extremely hot.   When it’s 70 outside, it will register as 77 inside, so the air has to be on. READ MORE

How The Two-Year Old Me Is Wiser Than the Thirty-Five Year Old Me

I was at a men's weekend retreat recently.   The whole program was designed around “finding your shadow.

What is one's shadow?   It's the darkest parts of us, the most depraved, undesirable characteristics that we all embody.   The shadow is the part that wishes you could go machine gun all those guys who pound on buckets with drumsticks after Cubs games. READ MORE

Pancho Dali Hangs In My Second Bathroom

persistence
I totally get it, man.

Familiar with Salvador Dali?   Sure you are.   He’s the guy that painted all those trippy clocks.

Salvador Dali also had a rocking mustache.

Just thought I’d share a piece I bought in Santa Fe, strictly because it made me laugh as I entered the gallery.   I’m a huge Salvador Dali fan. READ MORE