I Need Your Input!

Posted by D.J. on May 6, 2012 | 7 comments

I’ve been working to develop something very unique and exciting (at least to me – maybe only me) for this blog.  This is something that has been discussed for over six months, and I’m getting ready to start production.  There’s still a chance it might not happen, but I’m confident that we can get it completed.

And…

Since you are a reader, I would really like your input!

When I launched my email newsletter a month ago, I promised that occassionally I would reach out to my subscribers and ask them for advice on future projects.

This is one of those times – actually, it’s the first time.

So, if you haven’t yet signed up for the newsletter, I need you to do so now.  It’s at the bottom of every post which says, “Want My Best Stuff?”  Put your email in and hit “Send Me The Funny”.

I know this may sound like some weird scheme to get your email address, but it isn’t.  I have nothing to sell.  I’ll probably write a book down the road, but that’s a long way off.

You’ll get an immediate confirmation email from MailChimp which will ask you to click on the link inside.  You must do this or you won’t get any emails from me.  If you don’t see it within a few minutes, check your spam folder.

Also, if you are reading these words from a…

• RSS reader (ex. Google Reader), the subscribe box won’t show up.  Click on the title to pull it up in a browser.
• Phone or Tablet, you may or may not see the subscribe box.  Depends if you’re looking at the mobile version of my site.  If you are, scroll to the bottom and click the mobile theme toggle to “off”.

Thank You and Robbery Update!

Posted by D.J. on May 5, 2012 | 4 comments

Walking Alone (But Not Really)

Posted by D.J. on May 5, 2012 | 5 comments

I woke up to write this to you.  I’d much rather still be asleep dreaming of  stewardesses sitting atop my lap.

That shows you how dated my references are.  There hasn’t been a young and attractive stewardess on a commercial flight since 1983.

No, I woke up out of guilt.  Fear, really.  Back in January I committed to writing a blog post every day.  This goes against most “How to Grow Your Blog” guides that suggest a few times a week is plenty.  Anyhow, It’s early May and I haven’t missed yet.  It’s kind of a streak I don’t want to break.  If this is OCD, I hope it morphs into having to flip light switches on and off seven times before leaving a room.  Yes, that sounds incredibly sad, but it would give me at least a month’s worth of blog posts.

Tomorrow morning I am walking in the Bark in the Park event.  Many of you have been generous to sponsor me, and I so appreciate it.  I do these events twice a year, and on the day of, my routine is always is the same.  I wake up, jump on my bicycle with the dog strapped to my back (see my logo at the top of the screen) and pedal one mile to the beach.  There will be at least a thousand other people and their dogs.  A big exposition area with pet vendors line a football field.  There’s a stage and events like Yoga With Your Dog before the race.  I’ll pick up my t-shirt and race packet since I fail to get them ahead of time.

Then I line with everyone else and wait for it to start.  There aren’t a lot of people that do this alone.  I know because I watch everyone around me as a we walk.  It’s always couples, families, or groups of friends.  I don’t intentionally walk alone.  I just never think to invite anyone.  I’m friendly, so I always end up talking with people that are walking near me.  My dog is six pounds and attracts attention from others.

Once it’s over I walk around to the various pet store tents and get whatever free swag they’re handing out.  I usually buy an official dog t-shirt and ask someone to take our photo.  Then I jump on the bike and head home.

It sounds a bit sad, I guess, but it’s not really.  There is something about this being just a “me” experience that makes it special.  It’s a fun thing I do with myself.

Plus, I’m not alone as I’ll share it with you tomorrow when I get back.  And then I’ll eat too much pizza and pass out in the guest bedroom.  Also another fun thing I do for myself.  Well, with my cat perched on my belly and my dog sleeping between my legs.

Yes, I would like a tour of business class, stewardess!

My Favorite Reader of All Time

Posted by D.J. on May 3, 2012 | 7 comments

I tweeted this out hours ago, and I’m sorry about the repeat.  But this is still making me laugh.  And I mean out loud.  Right now.

The other day I wrote about my biggest fan – she had read every one of my words within eight hours.  While I admire her devotion and I love her for her effort, she is not my favorite fan.

No, I’m sorry.  And that goes as well for my close friends, my girlfriend, and my family.  I like you all just fine.

But I LOVE this guy.

Yesterday I told the tale of “Sally C-Word”, the maid I found on Craigslist who was kind enough to rip off a bunch of my possessions.  Today, I get this direct message on Twitter.

I have no idea who he is.  But I love him.  So much.  I want to be his best friend.  In my mind we’re already best friends.

Couple of things – first, do his clothes not perfectly match the language?  As they say in 1995 hip-hop, the dude is not frontin’.  He is “on the real.”  At first you might think he is trying to be funny.  I assure you he’s not.  Look at that hoodie.  Looks at those words.  They match.

The other thing is that this is a private message to me.  He didn’t put this out on Twitter to get attention.  No, this was communication from him to me.  I love that he didn’t do this publicly.  It was just for me.  I feel cool.

Now, lest you think I’m goofing on him – I can assure you I am not.  This guy is authentic and awesome.  And c’mon, can you believe he reads blogs?  80% of you reading this are moms!  This could be your son.  In fact, I hope it is.

Thank you to all who are reading this, but I like him just a little bit more.  Sorry.

I Literally Got Robbed

Posted by D.J. on May 3, 2012 | 37 comments

On Tuesday my mom informed me that she was going to spend the next night at my condo.  I was treating her to The Iceman Cometh here in Chicago and since the play is five hours long, she wasn’t going to drive home afterwards.

Because I didn’t want my mom to see how I really live, I went on Craigslist to find a housekeeper that could come over that evening.  After sending out about ten requests, I finally got a hit.

Sally C-Word (not her real name) emailed back and said she was available.  Her price was insanely low.  About $20 less than what I’m used to paying.  I gave her my address and sprinted home after work.

When she arrived I was surprised to find that she was not Polish.  In Chicago cleaning ladies are Polish.  This woman was not-Polish, a little younger than me, cute, and normal.  We made small talk and I found out that she’s from the same hometown as my ex-wife.  She told me about her family, and I texted my ex to find out if she knew her.

I then had to leave as my cat was nice enough to pee on the guest bed moments before Sally arrived.  Because my washing machine is not big enough to accommodate a comforter, I needed to go to the laundromat.  I told Sally C-Word that I would be back in about 45 minutes.

When I returned home Sally C-Word was gone.  The house was about 80% cleaned, but she had stopped at my master bathroom.  All the supplies were there.  I assumed she must have gone down to the car to feed the meter.  But then I saw her cellphone still charging in my kitchen.  I was worried because I wondered if she had gone to the car, realized she didn’t have a key and couldn’t come back in, and was stuck outside.  Also, she couldn’t call me because I had her phone.

I walked around outside and couldn’t find her.  I figured she’d borrow a phone and call me to come back inside.  She never did.

Hours later, as I was about to doze off to bed I noticed something odd about my nightstand dresser.  Then I realized she had swiped my Amazon Kindle, and an old inoperative iPhone.  She also had stolen a speaker I had in the bathroom.  All of these items were within a few feet of each other.

Yes, Sally C-Word grabbed a few things and ran.

She didn’t take anything too valuable, and somehow she missed the nice watch sitting right next to the Kindle which was worth more than the other stuff combined.  Also, I never wear it and wouldn’t have noticed it for probably a year.  However, I was freaking out and I ran around the house making sure she didn’t take anything else.  She left my checkbook, the PS3, all my guitars, and computers.

My guess is that she got through 80% of the cleaning, saw a few items that would make more than the paltry sum I was about to pay her, and said, “Fuck this!”

But I have her first and last name.  I have her cellphone.  Sadly it is locked, but it has a microSD card, and I will read that this weekend.  I can see text messages, like this one on the night of the theft:

!BABY GURL!: Can u get me a forty on the way home?

I’m guessing her boyfriend is a middle manager at IBM.  The bummer is that the email I have for her is that crappy one that goes to her cellphone (5555555@carrier.com).  I sent an email today telling her that I had all of her contact information and her family and friends’ information.  I mentioned that if she didn’t return the shit she stole I would start calling each person to let them know that she’s a thief and is dating a man with severely underdeveloped alcohol consumption habits.

I had already called the police and filed a report.  I knew she wasn’t going to email back.  She might not have even received my message.  She’s probably just some loser junkie who needed a fix.

At least I got 80% cleaning done and I didn’t have to pay her!  Oh wait…

Sally C-Word's Cell Phone