Pretzel Bread and Chicken Shawarma

Let’s face it, chicken shawarma is one of the best things on the planet.  Also, pretzel bread.  Both chicken shawarma and pretzel bread taste like digestible heaven and yet…

You have to really hunt to find either.

There are a billion crappy Mexican restaurants, a McDonald’s down the street, and 37 Subways within city proper.  Yet, to find a shop that will make you a deli sandwich with pretzel bread is impossible.  Here’s how difficult it is to get pretzel bread.  Even Auntie Anne’s doesn’t sell them and they’re the only pretzel game in down.

Go around the office (or, for those of you who just stay at home, talk to the pets) and ask if others like pretzel bread.  You won’t hear a “no”.  If you do that person is clearly a zero and probably thinks those shortbread Girl Scouts cookies are the best of the bunch.  (Samoas are the right answer, by the way).

How is chicken shawarma not in every Denny’s and TGIF restaurant?  They both serve crappy steak and tons of fried food that all tastes the same.  Why not just add a new menu item and call it…

The Most Delicious Chicken You’ll Ever Have – Trust Us, It’s So Good This Long Name Should Be Even Longer To Discuss How It’s Perfectly Seasoned, Served on a Bed of  Delicious  Yellow Rice That Nobody Quite Knows The Name of and Also Some Hummus With Red Dusty Shit On Top and a Cucumber Salad of Sorts.  This Is The Official Name Until Our Marketing Team Comes Up With Something Better.  Don’t Worry – They Coined The Awesome Blossom.

chicken shawarma
This is a terrible picture of a heavenly food. But since I don't swipe copyrighted images anymore, I have a limited pool to choose from.

By the way, you know how you’ve been eating the same crap at Subway for 15 years?  On the taste scale is a 5.5.  But it’s reliable.  Except those rare times where they accidentally get a sliver of red onion that hijacks its way in with a tomato.  You can throw that onion into a coworkers hair and still taste it on 60% of  the sub.  If they really want to re-energize the brand, come out with a pretzel role.  It won’t be in the “6 Grams of Fat or Less” club, but those subs suck anyway.

Pretzel Ross
If I could make love to leavened bread, this would be my mistress.

You would buy a pretzel sub from Subway.  You would order chicken shawarma at The Olive Garden.  Write to the Pretzel Growers Association and tell them to bump up the marketing budget.  We have all those terrible pistachio ads – which is stupid because everyone already knows pistachios are the best nut in town.  It’s shawarma and pretzel bread’s year.

Shame your deli counter manager when he says he doesn’t have pretzel bread as an option.  At Chipotle, laugh loudly at the guy working the pinto beans and say, “What do you mean that you don’t have a pretzel tortilla?  Lame!”

You now know what must be done.  Accept the mission.

photo credit: yummyporky via photo pin cc  |  photo credit: migrashgrutot via photo pincc

 

13 thoughts on “Pretzel Bread and Chicken Shawarma”

  1. Craziness Abounds says:

    You may not like me very much after this but I’ve never heard of either. Now I want to try both! Thanks a lot! lol

  2. litwitlia says:

    Does your chicken shawarma foodgasm include yogurt sauce? Mine does. It must or else I’m left wanting.
     
    As for pretzel bread, I make it. Want me to be your bread pimp? I can hook you up with the mistress of your dreams. Of course we’ll miss your blog posts while you’re, um, “busy.”

  3. Katjaneway says:

    The Ram. They have a special burger special that uses pretzel bread. My mom ordered it and loved it. Ur In Chicago, right? There are three in Illinois… somewhere. lol

  4. Jules says:

    Pretzel bread?   That sounds good.   I will try to bake some.  

  5. chicnchicgirl says:

    i love chicken shawrma, im in the middle east and its hard to find good chicken shawrma ( you know what thats a lie they have the best chicken shawrma here!)
    and because of this reminder i will have to buy me some tonight!
     
     

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @chicnchicgirl  You seem like a liar, so I’m not sure I believe you.  I think you’re just hanging out in Boise, Idaho.  I’m right, aren’t I?

  6. Halloweenjen says:

    You need to go a little further north, Wisconsin has lots of pretzel bread. Ever want some just hit me up. Not that far from you and in Chicago pretty often.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @Halloweenjen  I don’t meet readers because you’re usually nuts! Kidding.

      1. Halloweenjen says:

        @tfpHumorBlog    @Halloweenjen  Yes we are 🙂

      2. Halloweenjen says:

        @tfpHumorBlog    @Halloweenjen  Yes we are 🙂

  7. bluenotebacker says:

    Recently had a sandwich on pretzel bread. It was probably the most delicious bread I have ever tasted in my life. I think I would like to eat everything, always and forever, on pretzel bread. I have found ONE place in all of my suburban area that sells it in loaves (and not in long, thin pretzel “sticks”) Part of me wants to complain, but part of me wants to keep this a secret so that I might horde ALL OF THE PRETZEL BREAD

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @bluenotebacker  I know – nobody sells it!!!

  8. Denise says:

    Dunkin donuts had a pretzel roll for a few months. Loved it and poof it’s gone.

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