Let’s face it, chicken shawarma is one of the best things on the planet. Also, pretzel bread. Both chicken shawarma and pretzel bread taste like digestible heaven and yet…
You have to really hunt to find either.
There are a billion crappy Mexican restaurants, a McDonald’s down the street, and 37 Subways within city proper. Yet, to find a shop that will make you a deli sandwich with pretzel bread is impossible. Here’s how difficult it is to get pretzel bread. Even Auntie Anne’s doesn’t sell them and they’re the only pretzel game in down.
Go around the office (or, for those of you who just stay at home, talk to the pets) and ask if others like pretzel bread. You won’t hear a “no”. If you do that person is clearly a zero and probably thinks those shortbread Girl Scouts cookies are the best of the bunch. (Samoas are the right answer, by the way).
How is chicken shawarma not in every Denny’s and TGIF restaurant? They both serve crappy steak and tons of fried food that all tastes the same. Why not just add a new menu item and call it…
The Most Delicious Chicken You’ll Ever Have – Trust Us, It’s So Good This Long Name Should Be Even Longer To Discuss How It’s Perfectly Seasoned, Served on a Bed of Delicious Yellow Rice That Nobody Quite Knows The Name of and Also Some Hummus With Red Dusty Shit On Top and a Cucumber Salad of Sorts. This Is The Official Name Until Our Marketing Team Comes Up With Something Better. Don’t Worry – They Coined The Awesome Blossom.
By the way, you know how you’ve been eating the same crap at Subway for 15 years? On the taste scale is a 5.5. But it’s reliable. Except those rare times where they accidentally get a sliver of red onion that hijacks its way in with a tomato. You can throw that onion into a coworkers hair and still taste it on 60% of the sub. If they really want to re-energize the brand, come out with a pretzel role. It won’t be in the “6 Grams of Fat or Less” club, but those subs suck anyway.
You would buy a pretzel sub from Subway. You would order chicken shawarma at The Olive Garden. Write to the Pretzel Growers Association and tell them to bump up the marketing budget. We have all those terrible pistachio ads – which is stupid because everyone already knows pistachios are the best nut in town. It’s shawarma and pretzel bread’s year.
Shame your deli counter manager when he says he doesn’t have pretzel bread as an option. At Chipotle, laugh loudly at the guy working the pinto beans and say, “What do you mean that you don’t have a pretzel tortilla? Lame!”
You now know what must be done. Accept the mission.